away

"What do you have to say?"
He looked up and felt the rush of adrenaline. It made its way through his organs, his bones, giving him chills in the most sensitive areas. The excitement spilled through his fingertips as he strummed the guitar he held ever so gently. The throbbing is his head couldn't go away, it had been present for days. The question burned in his brain. He left Joann with nothing but an imprint on her heart. He never thought foolishness was a quality possessed by him, but you can't always be sure who you are in your own infected state of mind. The strings popped as he hit them harshly, the tips of his fingernails almost snapping off. Just because she wanted to know didn't mean he had to say a single God damn word. His own life was a downward spiral and it was all he could do to not drag her down with him. The night before he had went down to the rivers edge to seek comfort in the sands. All he felt was another burning sensation through him as he saw the ugly reflection that faced him in the water. Thoughts of drowning crossed his mind. Jeff was never a strong swimmer. Another pang. Another loss. She would most definately notice the bruise along his neck, the way he smelled of perfume that was not hers. She would see the look in his eyes. He didn't love her anymore. Maybe he never did. When he saw Lily walking by the docks the ice forming inside him began to melt instantly. The eyes of the angel washed over him and cleansed him, but nothing could cleanse him from what he had done. He was unfaithful with an angel. She claimed him, she breathed over his body with warm breaths that smelled of lavender. It was like the first time making love all over again. Perfection was all he felt as she slid over his cold lifeless body, slowly reviving him when her lips parted over his. The sand between his toes crunched as every muscle in his body tensed at the feeling she gave him. Blue sky overhead quickly turned red and pink, and her brown curls shook in the sunset. The cool breeze blew seductively and cooled them off after the final stretch. His weak limbs begged for more, but the angel turned away and slipped back into her wings and told him she'd come back tomorrow.
So there he sat at the waters edge once again waiting for the girl to return. Ignoring all questions from his previous lover. Technically his current lover who was nearly forgotten. She laughed and she cried but she never said she was sorry for her mistakes. He wondered why on earth he'd apologize for his. His eyes caught a glimpse of flimsy blonde hair walking toward him, and his grip tightened on the neck of the guitar.
"Jeff...what are you doing?" The look in Joann's puzzled face hardly brought on an inch of regret, and he moved back from her, holding up his free hand. "I can't see you now. You have to leave, Joann. You have to go," He turned to face the docks and saw Lily on her way towards him. He was tempted to run but had no where to go. The only thing on his mind was Lily. Her sweet taste, her pink lips, and her blue eyes that stared into him so deeply as they pulled themselves into each other. Nothing more than a fling? Oh please. "What do you mean. You're fucking crazy. I want to know. What the hell do you have to say?"
Joann had her hands firmly upon her hips. The hips he'd once longed to hold between his hands, the hips upon which rested the jeans he'd removed from her a thousand times before. But he could still see the light of Lily coming, and his bitterness towards Joann emerged in a state of lust and lack of power. He'd told her he had something to tell her. He should answer soon...but he met Lily in between. And Lily changes everything. With his teeth gritted he spat at her words of complete hate, "I need you to leave because...because I don't love you anymore. I can't stand your hair. It's too straight. I can't stand the way you look at me when I'm trying to concentrate, and I am absolutely sick of the taste of oranges on your tongue."
Joann looked up at Jeff, the tears were clearly there. He'd never seen her disappear so quick. In her place, Lily. Perfect Lily. She was spilling with beauty. Radiating with love. Her head tilted and she laid her hand on his chest, slowly pushing him towards the water. Her dress fell from her shoulders into the sand and pebbles, and she unbuttoned the jeans Jeff was wearing. Gasping for air he tried not to move too quickly, fumbling with his shirt collar and the belt that fell to the ground along with their bodies. His hair hit the water and she got on top of him. The angel thrusting towards her goal. He smiled, and so did Lily. She dragged her long fingers through his hair, and took his neck between her hands, her naked body glowing in the heat of the sun. She pushed him, she did it with care. He entered her slowly and she soon closed her eyelids over the blue she held within them. The pleasure came over them in waves, and soon he couldn't feel air entering his lungs. His head was under the water, and she held him there as she pleased herself with his suffocating body. The world became blurry under the blue and the black. All he saw was the perfect pink lips, the paper white skin, and everything was ending. He could still feel him pulsing inside her, warm and cozy within her. The water entered his lungs so fast as she held him under, finally reaching her peak, he could hear the muffled screams of joy. He died inside the angel, she took him under her wing.

lead you in

I think she can sense when our eyes meet.
Locked on, so serious.
completely in control of all these desires I hold so precious.
In my own way, I keep still on my feet.
Somehow I walk forward as I wish you were mine.
Listening intently to the nothingness inside
Holding my heart and leading the blind.
I won't be alone tonight.
I won't stay away. I'll taunt you forever.
Just like you taunt me.
When you ask me to leave, I'll never obey.
I've begged for your absence.
I know
I know
Time can heal my failing organs
But with your face passing by,
It's hopeless.
It's endless.

I want to wake up never knowing you existed.
The pain would never be felt again.
I just need a new lover to mourn over.
A new project to dissect.

I'm so sick of pulling myself apart to discover the same old useless facts, I can't find a better way to make it better on the outside. The freckles aren't a part of me as I rip them from my skin. The part of my hair will cease to be on the left, but the right. The blue in my eyes will slowly turn to black. The colour of pink youth will drain from my face. I'll change anything to be unrecognizable. Put my old self in a box, set it off into the distant waters.
I want to celebrate my new beginning.
So gather around my old pain and watch it descend.
Watch it all float away.

Action without words

Let me tell you a story.
It reminds of the good days when we sat behind the flowers of the summer months. When we watched the moon so high in the sky, and you held my hand as I hoped to stay out later. To watch the sun rise. But it always ended with a kiss on the lips as you walked me home just past 4, and I sat in the window as you made your way back to your own bed. I could never sleep.
I held my breath so the smoke would get to me faster.
I held and held until you called me the very next day.
My patience seemed to run short with you, but I always felt giddy at the sound of your voice. I always heard you smiling. Felt your warm eyes on me, though blocks away.
Nothing felt right until I felt the happiness bursting inside me, threatening to tear at the seams and destroy all I am. All I was.
Hand over hand, legs intertwined, spilling over the earth. Telling you nothing is what you want. All you need is love. all you need is money, and all you have is greed. They couldn't betray you.
He couldn't.
He wouldn't.
But how do I know anything. I'd like to know everything. But I think that would only dismantle me. Waste me. Tame me. Tell me what you need to hear, and I swear I'll say it all.
If I could only have sight beyond what's in front of me. My imagination used to run so wild and rampant. No one would judge me. No one would tell me I have to measure up to anything. But now it seems as though my life is one big competition. I'm never good enough. I'm never skinny enough. I can hardly keep my eyes in line with what I've always wanted. My dreams are truly out of reach this time. My life is truly out of balance. And my hands cannot hold onto anything that I want. That I need. The necessities of life have become scarce and rare.
Am I delusional, or am I really dying?
When this world stops lying to me, I can stand up and shout.
I can leave you now.
I can walk away.

I wish you picked up the phone, and at least told me you were about to disappear off the face of the earth.