how I made a million dollars

My first reaction was to always turn around and walk back home. I wasn't ready for the ride home because seat belts are overrated so I figure I'm better off walking. The ground feels better on my feet then the carpet. And I'd be trapped if lightning struck. I'd rather get hit on the cement and forget I ever existed.
They tell me it's really not such a big deal but I always feel like they lie to make me build my confidence. I'm not one to judge so I sit back and relax and take it like a bitch. I do everything my mother told me not to. It makes me feel less like an insecure idiot and more like a powerful badass. In most situations people see right through me like saran wrap, but I guess I'm too over that whole stage of conformity to care. I'd rather fake it to myself, it's better that way. To be different...would be amazing. I am different. I don't see what they see. But no one needs to know.
so I walked away. He said, "where ya goin?"
I said, "nowhere."
He didn't believe me.
I slam doors. I lock windows. I close shutters.
I turn the air conditioner on full blast to make myself feel numb on the outside.
I like when my inner and outer shells match.

fuck sweaters.
fuck pants.
fuck socks.
I sit there in my panties pouring ice cubes on myself.
And the air conditioner keeps streaming through the rooms and my lips turn so fuckin' blue that it's gettin' to me. It's fucking gettin' to my head real bad. I'm shivering like a child but I just don't give a shit so I go to the freezer and get another bucket of ice cubes. I sit on the linoleum floor and shove my bare fists into the ice like it's god damn nothing. It's god damn nothing.
I'm starting to think being cold is better than being warm.
so I get up and I take my ice scubes to the bathroom.
Bucket by bucket.
Into the tub.
Filling it up quickly so they can't melt.
It's almost full when the doorbell rings and my brain goes all panicky.
Should I answer the door or drown in my sad tub of ice cubes?
So I throw on a towel and drag my blue ass to the front door and I open it to see the last fuckin' person I wanna see: John. I'm not even trying to fake a smile cuz my lips are shivering and he's asking me why I look so damn cold. So I scowl and tell him it's no big deal cuz I just got out of the shower and my air is on real high you know. But he looks so concerned with those puppy dog eyes so I just kinda laugh and tell him I'm kinda busy.
Then he says he's got something to tell me. I'm running out of patience and I'm sure as hell not letting him inside so I tell him to call me later. He insists it's gotta be face to face but I try to shove him from between the door frame onto the porch. He's slowly seeping into my house and I need him to leave so I can continue my business. But he just stands there like a fuckin' brick shithouse and looks at me so innocently. He's not even innocent, he fucked that Trish girl in a cemetery last weekend. So I take my cold hand and I give him a push and a short goodbye and I close the door quick and swift. Then I bolt it shut and make my way back to the bathroom.


To be continued