Cleanse me

As I enter the water, I can feel my body change.
I become what I am, what I was born to be.
I'm more than at peace with the universe when I feel the warmth against my skin. I can hear nothing but soothing waves crashing upon me, making love to my new coat of pink flesh. It massages the surface of the beach, and the sand cradles me so gently. She could never hurt me, she could never abandon me. I'm finally home. I'm finally invulnerable, in a dwelling that could never be shaken.
As I feel the damp breeze shuffle the leaves in the trees, my eyes begin to turn. I feel the venom taking me in slowly, though I hardly feel the pain. She kisses my throat with lips that feel like velvet rose. Pink and creamy, moist and supple. I can hardly imagine what it's like to be in chains. The freedom I have could never be stolen. It could never evaporate and leave my grasp. The water repairs me, when I'm crushed and mangled she can mend me back to who I was before. No illness could withstand the affection she delivers. It nothing short of a delusion, but let me tell you, it's honest. It's authentic. It's real.

Blame yourself.

I prefer to see myself as a rather reasonable person.
Very rational. Quite balanced, level headed.
I always know the right thing to say at the perfect moment.
I've mastered the craft, handled the method, and threw it back to the one who started it all. You might say I'm a perfectionist but I'm hardly one to try. They look at me like I've accomplished something great, but I can't seem to lie, I've done nothing out of the ordinary. Let me assure you I come only to watch and listen. To absorb the information that they tell me like a sponge. I'm not present for any other reason. I'm not here to prove you wrong. I'm not here to debate our state of being, where we originate, or where we will end up. Just let me sit. Just let me soak. You won't regret your choices, the ones I slyly made you choose. You know, I truly despise this game of manipulation and backstabbing. I never intend to harm anyone but myself. However, my escapades can get out of control. It's merely lack of self discipline. It seems I need to work harder on that aspect of myself. I apologize in advance, since I have no warning signs on the road ahead. You can never be sure when the lashing out will begin.
How can I say sorry? How can I take a last glimpse into the eyes of such nothingness, and feel such strength behind me, and within me? I'm suddenly powered, fueled, with something never felt before. Never tasted before. As I clutch my stomach it simply takes charge, overpowering every thought that clouds my brain. I can only wish for a safe haven now, I'm hardly present within these limbs any longer.
Sands of time can flow away but it could never stop me, hold me back, restrain the monster that lurks beneath the smile.

temp

I'm trying so hard to explain to you, but my words get too knotted before even leaving my parted lips. I'm screaming for the answer, but my throat is slowly closing. Getting more and more fearful of what comes next. I'll never understand how my mind works, how my body freezes up at the sight of you, but I can still breathe once your hands are all over me. It's like my head is underground, buried, I'm blinded by never ending shadows, I'm choking on oncoming lights. Everything around me suffocates me, rips my lungs away like nothing. Even though it really is...something. They'll never know how to affect me the way you do. I hardly know how myself. To control it is to slow it down, and baby, I don't want it to end.
I can tell by your eyes that you don't want to be here.
It's much too claustrophobic for me as well.
I can only handle being lost in an array of sheets with you.
I could live underneath the bedspread forever, as long as you never leave me all alone in the dark warmth of the pillows and comforter. Nothing comforts like you. Even in the brisk wind, I can't get goosebumps like I do when you touch me. When you feel me.
Sliding along my body, inch by inch, never stopping to exhale. Never stopping to inhale. Just keep going. Just keep holding your breath. Until you gather the strength to blow the cool air into me, revive me. Bring the life back.
Show me what it means to be alive and indestructible.

a manifesto

To anyone who has ever wanted to save the world;
I give you, my life.
It's not much but I didn't know what else would be suitable for such an occasion as this. I never really gave myself the time to think. I know I should have, but...I have a problem with procrastination. It always defeats me, and time runs out before I can find a reason, an excuse, anything to cover another mistake made, on my terms. Always, on my terms. Never their fault, always my own. Apologies have only been given but never returned. They don't think I would appreciate it. But they just don't understand. Sometimes, I wish they would try to. Trying something new was never too difficult, my mother encouraged it, so now I do the same.
Jump into the sea of change and feel yourself grow.
Feel yourself adjust to new water, and feel yourself morph,
feel yourself reconstruct, feel yourself mutate.
Don't be so possessed by society's views, and try to catch the fleeting glimpse before you're truly gone, and have nothing to rely on. Nothing to see, because it's long gone around the bend.
You're so obsessed. Obsessed with the innocence of her frail arms, and weak smile. Captivated by the white skin, the glossy hair, the youth she holds behind her shiny eyes.
Infatuated, and can't shake it off. She won't forget you, but you'll forget her innocence once you tear her insides apart. Consuming her glorious charm. Annihilating everything she ever held within her.
And you ask yourself, "How could I?" But only as you dismantle the ticking bomb inside the helpless girl. The sheltered girl. The broken, desolate girl.
So, how could you? How could you?
A grin on your lips clearly tells me how, and you proceed to give the gory details. She said, "I want to go to bed" and you erupted in laughter as you dragged her to the cold, and dark attic, and laid her on the mattress which had stains all over it. You told me of the way you wrapped the rope around her, the way the knife cut her bleached skin, and how the mirrors framed 2 bodies as one wept, and another made love.
But how could you, is the only thing on my mind.
Not How.
But, how? Why?
You must be the reckoner. The ruiner. The critic, the cynic.
Breaker of images I ever thought reflected the small ounce of good in man kind. Here's whats left, now take it, take it, take it, and take it all. Leave me nothing, let me starve.
Please, please. Tell me there's no God.
Give me a fair chance to question the revolutionary man. The industrial worker. The polluter, the deceiver, the liar who covers for us all.

I just want someone to save me,
but not the way you think you saved her.

Aurora borealis

what the hell?
you used to always say that you loved me. That you loved the world. That you loved life and living, and everything in between. It's all been taken. It's all been stolen.
Your life was taken to Rochester.
And given a new persona.

When I'm clutching the horns of the devil is when I'll know its really over. I'm so lost, so dazed, so confused. Where did this shit begin? And where the fuck does it end? You lied. they lied. we lied. Explosive tempers kept me from asking more. the curiosity building inside was heartbreaking. You lied. you lied.
I won't look back. I'll never look back
Because I've come to hate my face.
I've learned to hate the skin I'm in,
And wish that I was someone else.

The blades have been digging into the dirt, searching for the lost souls beneath it. You misplaced everything after seeing the destruction, the loss, the sadness. I'm hardly awake now, seeing as I was needing rest for quite some time. Look at it all. doesn't it bring tears to your eyes? Why aren't you sympathizing with the victims? How can you be so emotionless?
Who the hell are you and what have you done with yourself.
Your old self.
Your true self.
You know, the guy who used to always say he loved me. The guy who used to tell me everything was going to be okay. where is he? Could you perhaps, help me find him. Maybe, just maybe? Someone already told me what's important so I know all of that, but I just want you to tell me the silly things that are hardly relevant. I need a laugh, so give me one. Force me to smile, and even show my teeth. that's how wide I want it to be.
Sparkling smiles.
Sparkling teeth.
Everywhere. All around me. But I don't feel a thing.
They can't touch me, nothing can. I'm unstoppable and the clouds can hold me up.
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You are not beautiful, and when they assure you that you are, remember, they are lying. they are the underground, and they're looking above as they dick around with your heart. So drink another glass of cheap brandy and take another shot of tequila.
It'll make you feel better.
I send my love, dearest.
I hope you feel good in the morning.
But you still won't be beautiful, sorry. but I'm sure you'll find someone out there who could love your hideous self, inside and out. He'll be an unusual fool, and you'll only have hollow conversation. But when you walk in crowds you'll seem to disappear, so hold your head high as the world cradles you. Summon the words from deep down and let it out.
Just scream at the top of your lungs, until they simply pop.

Aren't you happy it's over?
Aren't you disappointed with such a cruel and harsh ending?
Well listen to it.
Because you can't ignore the truth forever.

eat it up eattt itt uppp

Strip your heart and mind of all inhibitions you may hold within you, because tonight I'm going to make sure I peel them off. Your dreams. Your hopes. Skinned alive, and still breathing. Bleeding and tearing at the seams.
Everything is going to disappear inside you.
You will be a hollow shell. And that's the way I like it,
Start running, if we carry the weight on our shoulders, we should start now. You never know when the end will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
but boy, it's coming.
I can tell you that.

Love it to death, squeeze 'til it dies.
Scrub it away. Scrub away your shame with metal sheets.
Metal soap.
Metal water.
Press yourself against the cold air, and just;
let it embrace you, every single inch
every single curve
Let it happen
and the pain will subside.

They call him a healer. They bow at his feet.
He can tell them, he can help you.
You'll be vindicated soon enough. When the healing really starts. You'll only be exonerated for a crime you'd gladly commit again. We all know inside you'll rip out plenty more hearts.
But we find your attractive smile and sultry, burning eyes really get to us. They eat me up inside. First, starting at the heart, and working its way through to my intestines and liver. Only to end up munching at my lungs. they must get bored when nothing is left to devour.

you know, she left us a note before she put the rope around her neck...

I have something to tell you. I could have shown you but I guess I never had the chance. I never had the courage, and I never had the strength. All I can do is lay here and hope you care. But not about my selfish ways. Not about the mistakes I made, the accusations, and the lies I've told. Even the ones you'll never know of. But I want you to feel warmth as my body gets cold, and my heart shuts down. It will never shut down for you. I could have never shut down if you never let me. But you did let me. So here I am. Final words, and at a loss for them. I thought I knew how to say goodbye. I thought I knew what is and isn't right. But now, as I sit here, I am suddenly second guessing myself. My actions cannot be regrets, I've always had this principle. So, I'll assure myself again. this is right. this is right. this is going to be beautiful and painless and glorious. I'll find light, and I'll never have to wallow in darkness again. It will never rain, wherever I go. The clouds will be milky white, and the sky will be a soft shade of blue. I can hardly wait to see you there. I'm waiting. I'm hardly holding on, so I better let go now. The lines almost dead, and so am I. Don't have a lack of concern, because I know its normal. they won't think I'm awful will they? I've always wondered that, because it was always coming. I figure, once its done they'll all forget my face, my name. I need a closing, an ending. I want it to be remembered. I need it to be unforgettable. When they see me swinging from the rafters they'll never sleep again. They'll never smile again. but once I find peace, I'll sleep forever.
I miss you already. I hope you miss me.
Meet me on the other side? I'll be watching.
I'll be waiting.