I'll show them, all of them

I'll show you that I am made of something more than these limbs of weak and brittle fibre, that crack at the thought of something like a heartbreak.
A meltdown. Right there, how embarassing.
A mental breakdown.
And my heart is so weak that when I think of you and the memories I can't help feel a tear behind my eyes. It can't be this bad can it?
This can't be all we have?
One life in the world.
Or can we leave this body and find something new.
Refreshing.
This is only our shell, and we have to leave it eventually.
To haunt those we care about.
Our family.
Our friends.
We will open the door for them, be their sheild when they run that red light.
The barrier between you and me is heaven,
and the stars are rather thick.
Too much to cut through, to reach you.

Remember when you took me to the game?
Go sting go!
Remember when we watched catwoman, the surround sound so loud that the house was vibrating, keeping everyone awake.
Remember when you would pick me and not let me go until I told you that you were my favourite cousin.
Remember at the family reunion taking us to wendys, and seeing the prostitutes as we got deeper into the downtown.

I remember. I could go on for pages.
But I don't need to do that to myself.

It's hard to see you lying there, defenceless and no longer breathing,
when you could pick me up and throw me around like it was nothing just last week.

I never saw this coming.

I wish I was dreaming.

And I guess this shouldn't have happened.
It should have never came along.
And awoke me so late at night.
Made me unable to close my eyes.
And it's not like I could have warned you.
Told you, don't leave.
I guess when I thought of you a couple of weeks ago, I should have done something more than to shrug it off and think I would see you at Christmas.

Because I won't.

I swear it was a dream, wasn't it?
I kept pinching myself, but the voice on the line was clearly real.
And clearly telling me it wasn't good.
I want to be dreaming.
When will I wake up?

I'm just going to sit here and wish for it to be normal again.
Nothing is normal in this life anymore.
A new tragedy every week.
Just what we don't deserve.
How do I say goodbye? I hadn't said hello in months.
But you just were always just around the corner.

Maybe I've learned not to hold off.
I'll miss you more than you could know.
And lastnight changed my life.

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Saturday morning was like the rest.
Except you. You speaking.
And me sitting in front of the screen almost terrified at the thought.
and lost in too much to think straight
to say the right words.
to say the right things.
Because I can't.

And you drive,
you drive me around.
with my seatbelt on backwards.
It's not even that romantic, and it never really was.
It's just..
I could say I miss those good old days but I'd be lying to myself.
I don't miss those days I just miss you.

But the person I miss doesn't exist anymore.

He's gone onto become someone new.
So I've moved onto someone new.
I hope you still think of me when you're old and graying.

i can't even remember

what's normal anyway.
what's sobre and high,
sobre and drunk
what if we are somewhere else.
when we take the drug we really become sobre,
and we are high our entire life.
Everything is inside out.

we're living on a high
and we're always awake.

what if we were in a shoebox.
and everyone can see in, looking at us.
we can invite them..
And there are polka dots on the walls.
worms coming from the corners. sometimes when you see these it makes funnny noises. and the smells
it smells like rum and soap.
rum and soap.


we are just batteries.
and we need a recharge.
when we get tired from school, work, everything.

But I could be anything
sad or nervous.
happy or angry.

but one emotion could be another.
who makes it up?

Where does this all come from?
these words. and these emotions we're told to feel. I could say I'm happy but it really could be sad, and maybe it's just that I am imaginary.
It's not even real and neither are the walls in front of us.

what even makes us who we are. style?
I can't answer anything.
bed would be nice.

An ending would be nice.

maybe someday.

And your enemies are:
your hair, because it just can't seem to be straight.
your mom, because she just can't seem to trust.
your friends, because you have to keep them close.
your world, because there are never enough bullets to make it go away.

It's not that you built a pedastal and put what you wanted on the top. You just need to grow a few inches and you can get what you wanted all along.
I can get what I wanted all along.
and be what I need to be, which isn 't what I am.
A sister, a daughter, a person that cannot help but lack self respect.

call it what you want;
but I call it making yourself the enemy.
An enemy to yourself, and the person you see in the mirror is the one you want to dissapear the most.
If I could crush these dreams..
than maybe it wouldn't hurt like this.

I could embrace this, but I'll push it away.
The blood stains on the carpet can't come out.
I'm scarred with the thought of being hesitant.
Because it should just get done, be over with.

And I'll wake up on day with the dagger in my hand, not yours.
And I'll wake up one day and you won't be able to walk down the hall and make me feel like this anymore.

sup baby

you should love me
cause I can't seem to love myself.
what darling?
you act like you ain't never seen a girl before.
get closer. come on, a bit closer.

sup baby, you should just give me something to have,
and I know I'm deceiving you
with these blue eyes and a smile I throw on.
It's a show baby, you're the victim.
you're the buyer.

I just hope I can sell it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
and we don't care. they don't care.
come on, do you really think I liked you?
When you came along we laughed
because look how fake you are.
Plastic, you could say. At least..
that's what you wanna be.

Stupid, and bubbly. With a new guy every night. Dying to lose it but no one wants you. Dying to have it and conforming to be it. You're nothing. And when you say you hate me I just smile and be happy. Because I don't care. Maybe if I considered you to be a person and not a plastic wannabe, I would care.

But she's just giving it away like it's never gonna get her sick.
Like she's never gonna get unlucky, and get something...
she never expected for awhile..

Fingers out. Palms away. HA. I just want to tell you, I just gotta thank you. For making me realize that..
I love who I am.
I love who I've become.
I love how I act.
I love all my friends.
And I love being Mell. Me. Not you.
Not like those girls. Like YOU.

I don't need it.
But apparently, you do.

all we have is,

dead and not breathing.
Unscrewing yourself from the ceiling.
Telling you that this dream isn't over, until..
the fog can be lifted from the ground.
When the weight of the world is no longer rested upon your shoulders.
We will realize that all of this is dead.
All of this has stopped. And it isn't so great anymore.

hm, you know he never really had a word that kept me hanging. it was more of a look, dear son. He wasn't so handsome until he had me in his eyes, and the words that he could tell me were more beautiful than the rest. until;
gunsots
bang
crash
it's never enough.
it's running from you now.

well I guess you could say he had me under his thumb, and when he said jump I asked how high. Pathetic, really. How much money in the world could make you feel whole? Millions, billions. trillions. Because that smile could be enough. To make me whole. until;
red lights flashing
police running

it wasn't supposed to end like this, it wasn't supposed to be so tragic. The lives weren't missed as much as the thought of how they could have survived, such a sad love story. Unravelling into something we knew could come about.
even if it was so unreal.

I never knew that my heart could break into that many peices.