Action without words

Let me tell you a story.
It reminds of the good days when we sat behind the flowers of the summer months. When we watched the moon so high in the sky, and you held my hand as I hoped to stay out later. To watch the sun rise. But it always ended with a kiss on the lips as you walked me home just past 4, and I sat in the window as you made your way back to your own bed. I could never sleep.
I held my breath so the smoke would get to me faster.
I held and held until you called me the very next day.
My patience seemed to run short with you, but I always felt giddy at the sound of your voice. I always heard you smiling. Felt your warm eyes on me, though blocks away.
Nothing felt right until I felt the happiness bursting inside me, threatening to tear at the seams and destroy all I am. All I was.
Hand over hand, legs intertwined, spilling over the earth. Telling you nothing is what you want. All you need is love. all you need is money, and all you have is greed. They couldn't betray you.
He couldn't.
He wouldn't.
But how do I know anything. I'd like to know everything. But I think that would only dismantle me. Waste me. Tame me. Tell me what you need to hear, and I swear I'll say it all.
If I could only have sight beyond what's in front of me. My imagination used to run so wild and rampant. No one would judge me. No one would tell me I have to measure up to anything. But now it seems as though my life is one big competition. I'm never good enough. I'm never skinny enough. I can hardly keep my eyes in line with what I've always wanted. My dreams are truly out of reach this time. My life is truly out of balance. And my hands cannot hold onto anything that I want. That I need. The necessities of life have become scarce and rare.
Am I delusional, or am I really dying?
When this world stops lying to me, I can stand up and shout.
I can leave you now.
I can walk away.

I wish you picked up the phone, and at least told me you were about to disappear off the face of the earth.