the atmospere is too thin

I guess you could say it's real.
you can't see it can you?
Yet it's real.
You can't buy it for any ammount of money.
No matter how many millions you can offer. No matter how much you think it's worth. you could never really understand it's true worth. To someone else. To anyone else. Or yourself.
It's not like it can be auctioned off.
It doesn't really matter to anyone but the owner. No one can steal it. Why would you care to? Are you so desperate to know it that you'll take it away?
you can get it yourslef if you look hard enough.
It's free.
Nothing else is. but it is.

Nothing in life is really free.
It might not cost you money. But it will cost you something.
Maybe, your dignity.
self worth.
Your Image.
your soul.
your happiness.

Dna. Cells.
suspicious.

They saw it all so why not just call you out? Tell you something you don't wanna hear.
It's from last month. ages ago. years ago.

art. it's art. That's what they will tell you.
But what will I tell you?
what will I project from my mouth to your ears..and really, will you listen?
what will you listen to?
the good? The bad?
Do you seek the optimistic side of things?
Or do you only build yourself up to destory everything you were.
Destroy
Destroy
Destroy

Build your castle and destroy it with pleasure, with pain.
Guilt free is the way your concious should be.
after you tear her heart down and let her know what's really there.
that nothing is there but her fear of lonliness.

Destroy.

eeehhh forrreeaaalll

you gotta go. go go go. away from me
you're such a hypocrite.
and you talk too loud.
slow down buddy. can you handle that?
can you handle anything? Or is it all too intense for you?
crazy
insane. up the wall and over the fence
right through the fuckin window.
over your head and onto my doorstep.
on the welcome mat.
you're not so welcome.
were you ever even there when you think I neeeded it the most.
when did you need it the most.
you're in over your head now.
you were always right on that line waiting to cross it. waiting for a signal that never came. it was never comin for ya anyway. it was going to leave you flat. you know, forget you existed.
it was going to steal your money.
and your dignity.
you're too quiet. speak up.
overanalyzing everything. you take it to heart.
and I don't even mean what I say
do you say what you mean?
do you say the right things?
I fuckin don't
whiskey. it's your best friend.
7 mm
steel.
war paint.
it's so incredibly frivolous to care.
so why do you?
climbing stairs, story after story.
reaching.
climbing.miles at a time.
the end is at your window. and i'm there waiting.

with rocks in my hands.

wanna leave this region

stop.
collaborate and listen.
no. no. no. no.
it's not even enough. it's never enough.
until I see you. until I run into you,
literally.
I don't even know how hard you hit me, or how hard I hit you. but probably not too hard, right? you stopped caring ages ago. so why should I keep on going? why should I be the one to care? why do I keep on letting this happen?
you don't let it happen.
it slides off of you like you are waterproof.
or feeling proof.
you don't feel anything do you?
I wish you did.
but everything in this whole world isn't cool enough for you. it isn't good enough for you. that all includes me. I try hard to not care, but I know I always will. something inside me will never let it go. no matter how hard I want to let it go and watch it fall far away from me.
I want to keep it close enough so it will be there just in case.
that "just in case", it will never happen.
I secretly know that.
but then again, maybe I don't. how about you tell me? How about you suck it up and speak to me. I know what you are. I've seen your weaker side when I had you.
I've seen you so defenceless.
no walls.
no barriers.
no covers to sheild you.
just you
and it's beautiful.
I can't even deny it. Even if I tried.
When your walls came down around you and fell to the floor, I felt so happy.
It was only that moment and never again. I think I knew that.
But a part of me didn't care. As long as you were with me tonight.

so as my waves crash upon you
you ignore it
and that's fine.
as long as I know you felt it.
saw it.
heard it.
and knew it was me.
then really, there's nothing left.
My cup is full enough, and I should pour it out now down the drain.
it's too old to keep and treasure.

it's time for a glass of something new

keeeep telling yourself.

it's not real. it's fantasy
make believe.
you can stop
and take my hand. take my hand. hold my hand.
let it go. fall back and let it go.
this place is outta control.
this place is disorienting.
trembling at the sight of it all.
in hopes you'll take her. break her
Destroy every last peice of evidence.
Come on and let her out.
the cage is small
so let her out.
let her out.
let her out.
It's open
open, wide. so let her out.
let her outttt!
Resolution of control. Contraption.
smell that smoke. every time.
hey captain. Captain.
sir. Sir
we caught you you're fake, you know more than you thought. you sold more than you're worth. so what now? In my mind I meant to go left. In reality I took a sharp right. I'm killing what I'm feeding. killing what I'm seeing. Turning to gold, to gold, to stone. Worthless.


Tequila!

you you you you you you you

you know nothing that is relevant to me. you are garbage to the bin.
born to be an aging unhappy mess.
And as your wrinkles get deeper so does my love for hate.
they hate us all.
passionately.
my love for the wilting of my youth, and the sanity is dripping from my eyes through tears. Don't cry, it shows weakness, and then you are just like the rest.
weak like the rest.
we're here to battle, not to reminisce for old times sake.
Nor are we here to have a glass of wine. However nice it would be.
Don't laugh, it shows joy, and we don't need a reminder.
Don't do anything I would do.
so do nothing.
do everything.
so keep your motions swift.
steady. We don't want anything to get out of hand.

I think you enjoy being hurt.
and as they fool you, they think you're falling into a trap
but really
they are the ones being fooled.
sneaky, how smooth you really are.


Collapse.


Control your dreams to what you need to accomplish while you sleep.
you can live your life in dreams because we're too scared to open a real life.
Whatever comes our way can be destroyed so easliy as we beam up to another life form. another body. Look, in your dreams you're someone else.
you're strong. Unbeatable.
Undeniably handsome.

left handed wrenches. skyhooks.
Fluerescent lightbulbs and cereal.
climb up the walls and into the sky, you are 10 years old again.
you are the wildest of the wild.
you are the imagination of them.
you are too creative to be let outside.
you are just an ordinary boy.
with bigger ideas.

nobody will ever know.
so step it up and tell me something with more words.
more life. more more more.
you you you.
you're losing it.
get a fucking hold of yourself man.
have you not heard of self control?
Tranquillizers?
heroin?
uppers and downers?
whatever colours your rainbow.

and had your father never heard of a condom?

my cassio.

Look at yourself. You're a mess. A pure mess. Your shoes are untied, your hair is dirty and uncombed. We cannot go out with you looking like this.
How will the others react when they see how close we've gotten to the edge of reality? To the edge of the truth almost touching the lies with our fingertips.
We almost escaped. It was rough, you know. Difficult to escape from the ones who fed us for so long. they only fed us hate and prejudice, shoving lies down or throat.
It was hardly a satisfying meal.
Merely a request for dreaming, sleeping. We wanted too much and when we asked it was a punishment of darkness. Oh, you were so stupid to ask them when you know all you would recieve is more lies.
False accusation.
You were innocent but blamed.
How could they not see the kindness in your eyes? How could those be the eyes of a murderous, bloodthristy killer? How could they tell you that you did it. You did it.

you only floated along the mountainside, sweeping away my doubts under the carpet.
I trust everything you tell me becasue you are all I know that is real.
So real I can touch it. feel it beneath me. Over me.
Everywhere.

but I could never get close enough to break them.
To pass them. to outrun the crowd.
They were too fast and wouldn't stop to wait.
why should they?


Clapping.
At high school pep rallys.
Who needs it? I'm sick of it.
smile for the camera, it only sees what you hide.
That photo could reveal you so wipe on a fake smile to post in the yearbook.

don't you wish you were good at everything?

california,.

This is where it all falls apart, onto the ground in a big pile of old bones. We want so badly to stay in the same place but our lives can't help but mold itself into something new, morphing, changing. The seasons change and we think we'll still remain. but we don't. As the leaves fall so does our skin. It doesn't matter who you are, it matters who you were. Who you were when I first laid eyes on you and who you were when you left me.
I'm sure it made you feel better.

Why did I depend on you? To call me, to talk to me, to smile at me in the hall. Did it make me feel like you really cared when I knew you didn't at all. You couldn't care about anything unless it's yourself. You couldn't help yourself. I was just as easy as the next victim, wasn't I? And I was helpless as the last. You just led me like a cow to the slaughter.
I was only going to wilt in the end. Die in the end.
That's what we all do in the end. IT's what we're born to do.
die.

It's too easy to say goodbye.
But you make it so hard
how do you do it? How did you always make me smile on the outside, because you made me cry on the inside. It's like magic I guess. The way I could fake it, and the way you made me believe. How was I so clueless?
But then again, maybe I wasn't. I wanted you so bad I didn't care if there was heartache in the end. But what does it matter now? It's been months. You dragged me on for months. You broke my heart a little more each month. Slowly tearing me to shreds, but still making me think somewhere in my mind that it's okay. That it will last, and eventually come without a price of pain.
It's okay to hurt for him.
No, it isn't okay.
don't let anyone say it is.
the pain didn't matter so long as I could feel the pleasure for a few moments.
Maybe it was for real. We were real.
Maybe we were progressing. Going somwhere.

Or maybe you were just fooling me, and watching me stumble and choke on my words.
Your lips were like a trigger and the words that come pouring out are the bullets that peirced me. Ripped me apart.


Those were some heavy bullets.

Don't say it's over, it's so not over.

something.
away. flying away.
Sam got her tattoo today. I went with. with her and amanda.
It is really good.
I like it.
Pete did an excellent job.
I want to get mine soon..

combination.
affiliation. Relations within the court.
Police court.
Of Columbia.
California.
Dreaming of red wine in California.
while we inject the night away.

what seems so unreal can only get closer.
You can feel it breathing down your neck.
Goosebumps. Up your spine.
You can feel his eyes burning a hole right through you.
It's beautiful.
Who cares about the pain when it's the last thing on your mind.

Silence is golden.
work isn't.

I have to work today.
I have to work wednesday
thursday
and friday.
This sucks. I don't want to work more.

anyway, my thoughts can't stay in a straight line anymore.
they wander off like a lost child.
somewhere over the rainbow.
Plastic surgery. Suction cups.
Blonde. Fake blonde.
Peroxide. Poison
Plasticine. and plastic bags.
Filled with dirty laundry.
Filled with old laughs.
fake laughs.
and fake love.
give him some fake love.

I'm tired. and my brain can't work anymore.
Stop loading, bye.

This is a 44 calliber love letter straight from my hearrrttttt.

Do you understand me?
Can you understand me when I'm screaming at you?
Do you get it now?
No you don't get it, you can't get it.

you can't buy it or sell it or wear it.
you can't hear it smell it or touch it.

But you can feel it.
oh, you can feel it.


And then it was over.
Just, done.
and I stared blankly at the screen. you stared blankly at the screen.
opposite ends of the spectrum.
left
right
middle. wings.
37 mm of cold steel in your hands,
but you can't go on.

another day at the office.
another day, another dollar.
seven and a half hours
plus you.

it's not old, it's vintage.
it's not broken, it's worn in.
it's not ugly, it's unique.
unlike every lost soul that wanders this place. it's not what is inside that counts it is what you think that counts, because no one can know what you are thinking so it is all that counts to you. Unless they have special powers to read your mind...but come on, we're not living in a fantasy world. this is real life.
There are boundaries.

But they can be broken.
Would you care to take the first shot?

I'm trapped in this body and can't get oouttttttt

well hi.
what an eventful Thursday evening.
Big ideas
Big ideas
Cannot be shattered or torn apart.
Like your heart.
Like your smile.
Like your mind.

Would you care to know why I don't care?
No. My non-caring makes you not care.
It's only just, right?
Oh, that's it.
you've taken your toll.
Or reached it.
I've reached the tip.
Like the white on the wave. Flowing over you.
How much colder could it get now?

Green
Orange
purple
yellow
burgandy
brown
aqua
black
turquoise
silver
gold
pink

what does not belong!?
Tell me the answer, for I am bursting at the seams.
come on.come on,come one. come all. ,,
,,
,,,
,,,,
It's the big ideas that feed the economy.
So full. So full.
So be it, Through the clouds, the clots of cotton.
I think we're finally alone.

Until they surprise us. A surprise attack, oh how sneaky.
Teddy bears.
Stuffed Animals.
Elvis Prestley.
Michael Jackson.

You are the Queen of my heart. Wait scratch that, KING.

What do you think you are going to do when you grow up?
Are you goin to make millions? To share? To withhold?
To save for someone else. Worth much more than anyone could imagine.
Thumb tacks.
Buy lots of thumb tacks. and scissors.And needles. To peirce the..ground.
Attention deficite.
Spontaneous human combustion.
Alright, alright, you don't have to be alone.
We have lots of children.
We have the chance to be reborn.

we can make up for lost time.