lonely, lonely

and
suicidal
stuffed
animals



coming soon to a toystore near you

Danger

I never realized how different it was here before now.
As I sit in my room 8 hours away I forget
I forget that everything is changed
so I return,
and there's a new man sleeping in my mother's bed
a new man thinking he can come here,
into my home,
with open
arms?

No.

Dad's ex-friend is kissing my mother
Dad's ex-friend is calling my baby sister a 'stupid little bitch'
Dad's ex-friend is also his sister's brother in law.
My.
Uncle?

I live in a fucked up world this Christmas
I want to go home.

So where's that?

december 1st is gone now

I'm a non believer
they tell me nothing matters because I'm dying anyways
I've been dying since I sprang from the womb,
and said, hey, let me back inside, please
I'm exactly the same person as I was 18 hours ago, 18 days ago, 18 months ago and 18 years ago. I just got taller, smarter, faster, and a little more desensitized.
I haven't changed, my bones just grew
laugh
laugh at me

I'm the same on the inside
the outside
the polaroid picture frames my eyes like cherry pies
lifts me into a new world view
and I hate global politics.

Okay.
I'm not the same person that I was 18 minutes ago
you loved me
you loved me?
you love me.
Unbelievable

corruption has a new meaning but its not in the dictionary or anywhere else. maybe its inside your head. because its not in mine, flowing though alive in the essence of time and the brain pleads and pleads but I say no. I say no. accept the fact that I cannot be without me in my own eyes before time stops.
excuse me. stop
listen to me. stop
whats your name? stop
do you have the time? stop

if every sentence you ever spoke had a repercussion, good or bad, would you stop talking? Would you stop saying what you feel? I mean a real repercussion, none of this highschool bullshit you call love and lust and hate and surrealism
its al crammed into one category and its so unfair
its so discouraging

to lump me in with every other girl
with every other piece of nothing
with everything you ever considered worth the while for 5 minutes?

I love you.
I love you?
I do.
I do.
I don't know why I just do.
so don't question it just sit here
just sit here

I'm mad at you. I'm often mad at you but you never know because I never tell.
maybe one day we can have a real fight and have passionate make up sex.
the kind where you just dont care about what you look like.
its the heat of the moment that I always feel with you. its always like passionate makeup sex but we never have to fight to have it.

can you fucking believe
that I actually moved
8 hours away from home
to escape love? to excape you?
oh, and to attend the best journalism school...

when I arrived it hit me again from head to toe.
All over again
September 1st
all over again
Can you believe
that love is actually
supposed to feel good?

It's amazing how I don't have to see those eyes everyday now.
It's amazing how ou no longer taunt me and waner into my dreams when I'm sleeping,
wrapped up in arms and smiling sweetly,
warmth on my face on my neck, hot breath blowing between steady faces

Being so physically far from you has never felt so good,
and being so physically close to him has made me forget you more.