Always have

Long distance phone calls to you drain my wallet rather quickly.
Empty conversation bewteen us tugs at me.
Pulls the hair from my head quickly so I can't quite feel the pain.
I know it's there but it doesn't matter.
I know the chunks of my heart have been thrown into the vault,
and I know if I really want them back, I can have them back.
It's up to me now.
It's my choice.
I hold the weapon. I have the strength.
I'm on top now, so you can't have your way.
Not this time, and get used to it.

Being in control has it's downsides too,
but I'm sure you've learned that already.