Dimension Seven

compare and contrast

2009-04-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why I cannot just spit out the last couple hundred words of this philosophy essay. I mean really, right before I got to bed lastnight I had all these wonderful ideas in my mind, but the second I wake up I'm just completely over it. What happened?
Today when I woke up at about 7 30, I looked to my right and I felt happy. Then I came trudging to my room only to read my film coursepack in the pitch black, and hear the constant banging above me...but what's new, really?
I blame the death of my once beautiful flowers on my roommate and her fondness for the dark. They didn't even last a week. they need sunlight dammit! something that hardly ever enters this room!
I didn't put 'nocturnal' on my residence preferences.

I am getting really good at this whole idea of distracting myself incessantly. It's sad really. I always FEEL motivated but then I find something else to occupy my time. I told myself I would be done this paper by 2 pm. It is currently 12:30, I have consumed 2 cups of odd flavoured yet enjoyable coffee, and currently have written 1176 words since Sunday afternoon. I have to applaud myself...that's really not so bad. It's the conclusions that always get me. As well as the fact that I am not an AI researcher and have no clue whether or not computers will one day be able to maintain consciousness just like you and me.
Even though I truly don't know, I'm arguing it's possible and using quite fancy vocabulary in order to prove this point. the professor said to not worry but I really do need a 90 and I haven't even written the mid term...which was written in February. I am writing it in about 6 days. I know it will be difficult but I think I can handle difficult. I think I can overcome lots of obstacles lately.
The beatles have been a favourite lately. Well, they're obviously a long term favourite of mine, but it had been awhile since I had just sat down, drank some green tea and listened to revolver. It feels good to be able to do that, since I haven't had much down time that doesn't involve the consumption of alcohol in quite awhile.
I think the more I listen to music, the less that journalism kills my creativity. I mean, I know four years of it might put me on the edge, but that's why I take English literature and context. I really wish we had a poetry unit that included more writing of our own poetry. Don't get me wrong, I love reading poetry, but writing poetry always has tended to tickle my fancy. I don't think I've written a new poem since the summer. In high school my rantings were almost a daily occurence through free verse but it seems I've lost the time. This summer will help me catch up I guess. I mean, all I will be doing is working and going to the beach. Oh how I miss those days. Warmth. I miss warmth. Ottawa really has toughened me up for the next several winter seasons I will spend here. I dread them but at the same time I think I might love it as well.

I think it's time to move onto Abbey Road and finish this bitch of a paper.
It will feel so good to do that, and then enjoy the tunes of malajube, bedouin soundclash, and metric this evening.

I am unsure of how I have survived several months of third lanark.
The good, the bad, and the ugly. I must admit, it's not that terrible.
Just the buzzing fan and the darkness gets to you sometimes. I'm sure you could relate.
...Most of you anyway.

2009-03-30T19:58:00.001-07:00

Stream of consciousness has got to be, in my opinion, the best way of letting go I've ever heard of. Just letting out everything and not thinking twice about anything. So don't be afraid of Virginia Woolf, reality isn't so bad.
I keep on thinking that university is not for me because while the 90s may have got me somewhere in highschool, no one gives a shit about them now. My best class at the moment is film, but my major is journalism...which holds a steady decent mark but I just am not sure what to think anymore. I feel like every time I walk into that lecture hall they are bashing down my brain into a tiny cube, a cube that the media will take advantage of. Getting myself into this industry is like asking to be raped repetedly by everyone you have ever despised. I am pushing myself into a world where I know I won't belong, yet something inside me wants it so fucking bad, because the only thing I can do is write. And even though as a journalist I will most likely be pretty damn broke, I'll make more money working for a newspaper than trying to sell a book of poetry. Even though I would really love to do that one day...
I really do like the daily news, I check my twitter feed for CBC updates constantly, but not obsessively. I really like writing for the charlatan, interviewing strangers about the stories I write.
For some reason I just always feel sad, confused, puzzled, bewildered.
What the fuck?
I just need to sit back and watch a sad movie to feel better about my life. Like Factory Girl. Edie is awesome and everything but damn I would never want to be like her...not any day.
I'm not very good at broadcasting feelings.
What I am good at...well I couldn't say. I need others to tell me. I'd feel way too narricistic to say that I like anything I do. I mean...I like when I go hangout with people, because it's fun sometimes, inside my brain anyway. But...fuck what was I trying to say, what am I ever trying to say, what is anyone ever trying so say these days.

I turned 19 on Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when I hit the point where I cannot call myself a teenager anymore.

Oh, and I am now following Jack Layton on Twitter.
He was in my hometown, Sarnia, just about a month ago.
Thats' really cool

To my friend

2009-02-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

Rest is peace Jesse,
I'll never forget those warm summer nights.
Video games in the cold basement.
Swimming in your pool at 2 am.
Campfires and whiskey
Hanging out with Patches,
walking to the park.

I wish you didn't have to leave so soon

I'll never forget you.

lonely, lonely

2008-12-25T19:26:00.000-08:00

and
suicidal
stuffed
animals

coming soon to a toystore near you

Danger

2008-12-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

I never realized how different it was here before now.
As I sit in my room 8 hours away I forget
I forget that everything is changed
so I return,
and there's a new man sleeping in my mother's bed
a new man thinking he can come here,
into my home,
with open
arms?

No.

Dad's ex-friend is kissing my mother
Dad's ex-friend is calling my baby sister a 'stupid little bitch'
Dad's ex-friend is also his sister's brother in law.
My.
Uncle?

I live in a fucked up world this Christmas
I want to go home.

So where's that?

december 1st is gone now

2008-12-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

I'm a non believer
they tell me nothing matters because I'm dying anyways
I've been dying since I sprang from the womb,
and said, hey, let me back inside, please
I'm exactly the same person as I was 18 hours ago, 18 days ago, 18 months ago and 18 years ago. I just got taller, smarter, faster, and a little more desensitized.
I haven't changed, my bones just grew
laugh
laugh at me

I'm the same on the inside
the outside
the polaroid picture frames my eyes like cherry pies
lifts me into a new world view
and I hate global politics.

Okay.
I'm not the same person that I was 18 minutes ago
you loved me
you loved me?
you love me.
Unbelievable

corruption has a new meaning but its not in the dictionary or anywhere else. maybe its inside your head. because its not in mine, flowing though alive in the essence of time and the brain pleads and pleads but I say no. I say no. accept the fact that I cannot be without me in my own eyes before time stops.
excuse me. stop
listen to me. stop
whats your name? stop
do you have the time? stop

if every sentence you ever spoke had a repercussion, good or bad, would you stop talking? Would you stop saying what you feel? I mean a real repercussion, none of this highschool bullshit you call love and lust and hate and surrealism
its al crammed into one category and its so unfair
its so discouraging

to lump me in with every other girl
with every other piece of nothing
with everything you ever considered worth the while for 5 minutes?

I love you.
I love you?
I do.
I do.
I don't know why I just do.
so don't question it just sit here
just sit here

I'm mad at you. I'm often mad at you but you never know because I never tell.
maybe one day we can have a real fight and have passionate make up sex.
the kind where you just dont care about what you look like.
its the heat of the moment that I always feel with you. its always like passionate makeup sex but we never have to fight to have it.

can you fucking believe
that I actually moved
8 hours away from home
to escape love? to excape you?
oh, and to attend the best journalism school...

when I arrived it hit me again from head to toe.
All over again
September 1st
all over again
Can you believe
that love is actually
supposed to feel good?

It's amazing how I don't have to see those eyes everyday now.
It's amazing how ou no longer taunt me and waner into my dreams when I'm sleeping,
wrapped up in arms and smiling sweetly,
warmth on my face on my neck, hot breath blowing between steady faces

Being so physically far from you has never felt so good,
and being so physically close to him has made me forget you more.

2008-10-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

I know that you care,
and you find it hard to walk away.
I know you have to, I know you need to.

But I'd like it a lot better if you would just take what I'm giving you.
Right now,
Not later.

I want you now.
But you reject me.
Reject me?

I don't make promises, remember?
So when I nod and smile,
and say 'find me later'

Just remember

I won't be found

blue and green squares.

2008-08-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

I think I just heard the pin drop. My muscles stop.
Force feed my brain new waves of conformity,
New days facing the enemy.
Tell me your spot. The numbers that align.
Tell me your location, your longitude, your latitude.

Satellites among us in the sky.
Reading the paranoid thoughts.
Scooping into your fantasies like ice cream.
Digging up the past,
Predicting the future.
Almost forever son, but do forgive the master.
Evergreen and the smell of cigarette smoke,
It's stale nicotine on your breath again,
Cold hearted people pass in the hot n' heavy street.

Supporting ankles with sticks like flimsy and tired rope.
Around the throat,
Through the ears,
Over the nose,
Into every orifice.
Clamming you up,
breaking you down.

Feel the warm sweat trickle down your forehead,
Over the pavement,
Into the sewers,
Into the nostrils of every hungry animal.

This world is a place where we love ourselves too much.Your mouth will not make a noise throughout the days we complain about not loving ourselves. This world isn't a place until I stop my feet through it. Feel rock, feel dirt,
Feel Real.

How I made a million dollars contd'

2008-06-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

The bathroom...oh it's so cold against the skin I sit in. And I'm just naked and lost in my own head, in my own home. So I dip myself into the tub of ice and I just sit there for a couple minutes thinking my body is about to shut down. I'm thinking my whole life is about to shut down cuz no one ever wants to save me anyways.
My minds racing but my body's so numb it just doesn't matter. My organs must be pretty much black and blue. I'm sore and achy and I'm just weightless. I don't want the ice cubes to melt but what's left of my body heat is making it turn all watery. So I stand and I feel the ice cubes sticking to my cold hard skin. I feel and look like I should be dead. So why am I still alive?
I walk towards my fridge but I just fall there and lie naked, with the air conditioner fanning my blue ass. Even my eyeballs are frozen.
I'm a damn mess but no one can see me anyway. No one is there to assess the damage so far so I roll onto my back and look down at myself. I can feel my neck snapping as I look down to my damp and cold self. My nipples are purple and I might as well have a number tagged on my fuckin' toe.

He always told me not to lock the doors. I never listened, I'm kinda rebellious you know? I like to fight the norms and sanctions of society and make a fool of myself for the whole community to see. Like when I took 6 hits of acid and ran out in the streets naked yelling that the devil was gonna eat everyone's god damn soul. No one listened. Just like me.

He was always right, that's what they're gonna tell me tomorrow night when the peel my dead body off the damn linoleum floor I paid for 6 months ago after I tore all the carpets out because my brain kept telling me there were spiders underneath it. Fuck it all, right?
I haven't paid my bills for nearly 3 months.
My dad's gonna kill me.
I lost Annie's favourite shirt, too.
Not to mention I still haven't told that fucker John that I hate his damn guts.

I guess the big news can wait another day.

how I made a million dollars

2008-06-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

My first reaction was to always turn around and walk back home. I wasn't ready for the ride home because seat belts are overrated so I figure I'm better off walking. The ground feels better on my feet then the carpet. And I'd be trapped if lightning struck. I'd rather get hit on the cement and forget I ever existed.
They tell me it's really not such a big deal but I always feel like they lie to make me build my confidence. I'm not one to judge so I sit back and relax and take it like a bitch. I do everything my mother told me not to. It makes me feel less like an insecure idiot and more like a powerful badass. In most situations people see right through me like saran wrap, but I guess I'm too over that whole stage of conformity to care. I'd rather fake it to myself, it's better that way. To be different...would be amazing. I am different. I don't see what they see. But no one needs to know.
so I walked away. He said, "where ya goin?"
I said, "nowhere."
He didn't believe me.
I slam doors. I lock windows. I close shutters.
I turn the air conditioner on full blast to make myself feel numb on the outside.
I like when my inner and outer shells match.

fuck sweaters.
fuck pants.
fuck socks.
I sit there in my panties pouring ice cubes on myself.
And the air conditioner keeps streaming through the rooms and my lips turn so fuckin' blue that it's gettin' to me. It's fucking gettin' to my head real bad. I'm shivering like a child but I just don't give a shit so I go to the freezer and get another bucket of ice cubes. I sit on the linoleum floor and shove my bare fists into the ice like it's god damn nothing. It's god damn nothing.
I'm starting to think being cold is better than being warm.
so I get up and I take my ice scubes to the bathroom.
Bucket by bucket.
Into the tub.
Filling it up quickly so they can't melt.
It's almost full when the doorbell rings and my brain goes all panicky.
Should I answer the door or drown in my sad tub of ice cubes?
So I throw on a towel and drag my blue ass to the front door and I open it to see the last fuckin' person I wanna see: John. I'm not even trying to fake a smile cuz my lips are shivering and he's asking me why I look so damn cold. So I scowl and tell him it's no big deal cuz I just got out of the shower and my air is on real high you know. But he looks so concerned with those puppy dog eyes so I just kinda laugh and tell him I'm kinda busy.
Then he says he's got something to tell me. I'm running out of patience and I'm sure as hell not letting him inside so I tell him to call me later. He insists it's gotta be face to face but I try to shove him from between the door frame onto the porch. He's slowly seeping into my house and I need him to leave so I can continue my business. But he just stands there like a fuckin' brick shithouse and looks at me so innocently. He's not even innocent, he fucked that Trish girl in a cemetery last weekend. So I take my cold hand and I give him a push and a short goodbye and I close the door quick and swift. Then I bolt it shut and make my way back to the bathroom.

To be continued

Stroke by stroke

2008-05-02T18:40:00.001-07:00

Please tell me where to make the next turn.
I'm too irresponsible to make the decisions.
Please, I ask of you, please take charge.
Be the boss,
be the man,
be the master.
I'll follow your instructions because I never know how to do it myself. I'm small, I'm fragile, I'm a little girl who will only succumb to you and your powerful hand. You know that I can't handle myself. Oh, you know everything. Just please, let me tell you...
Let me show you...
Everything.

From the inside out, I'm falling apart.
The pieces are crumbling as you don't even try to put me back together. I fall bewteen your fingers like sand and dust, completely disintegrating. You won't miss me, will you? Just take me where they all go to die, where they all go to heal, where they all go to be given life.
So you sit on the sidewalk
The pavement's cracks are filled with the remnants of me. Of my being. You never knew how good death could taste until you had my ashes on your tongue. Until you felt the chalky leftovers of flesh and bone struggle down your dry throat. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss you.

Please, just do something.
I gave you opportunity.
I gave you the chance.
I gave you the time.
I gave you the rhythm.
The rhythm of my heart.

But you never paid me back

Always have

2008-04-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

Long distance phone calls to you drain my wallet rather quickly.
Empty conversation bewteen us tugs at me.
Pulls the hair from my head quickly so I can't quite feel the pain.
I know it's there but it doesn't matter.
I know the chunks of my heart have been thrown into the vault,
and I know if I really want them back, I can have them back.
It's up to me now.
It's my choice.
I hold the weapon. I have the strength.
I'm on top now, so you can't have your way.
Not this time, and get used to it.

Being in control has it's downsides too,
but I'm sure you've learned that already.

future

2008-03-13T09:10:00.001-07:00

The computer in my brain keeps me from feeling.
The microchip in my heart keeps me from loving.
It's a wonderful feeling, being ground into gold.
I am worth more than what I was born to be.

They are in charge, and I am proud to be,
another lifeless soul that they control.
If I malfunction then my days are truly over.
Please restore me if you can ever spare the time.

The modem deep within lets me function.
The database from where they work,
it makes me ill.
My hard drive cannot last forever
and I wonder when it comes...
will my glory only last until I explode?

Innocence

2008-03-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Without a trace of evidence, without memory, I'll drive away.
Forgetting everything, I'll get down with history.
Endings aren't happy, life can't end with you holding on like this. I'll toss and turn in my grave forever because of you. I'll never sleep. I'll never rest.
Surrender yourself.
Surrender hope.
Just for me, just for them.
Just to breathe.

Thankyou for the long talks that helped me realize my true self. The girl beyond the skin, the person within the shell. I can't forget you. Thankyou for the times you smacked my face, telling me you loved me, yelling the words I wanted to hear. It didn't matter in what context...as long as it was said. Thankyou for the feeling of heartbeats along my spine, your breathing pattern matching mine. It's all about the rhythm of how we make love. Bodies in perfect balances, symmetrical and stained with sweat. Stained with reminders of yesterday.
It almost hurts to remember how we fit together,
just like puzzle pieces.
And they're falling into place.

One more word, one more time. Tell me what the point of this mystery is. This affair of masques and ball gowns. As I rip away the silk and cotton, I see you staring hopelessly. I can deal with this. I can end this perfectly, as you ended me the night before.
Permanent scars on my soul.
Never leaving me be. Never.

"Will you stop and see me later on?"
The eyes of the charmed are seducing, frightening.
They capture me so easily, barely trying.
"I can't," I cough and look away.
"Well you should. I have nothing better to do, you may as well come over and make love to me. I know you don't have anything better for yourself, huh?"
I shiver.
I shake.
I cry for a glimpse of the sun, but it's been days.
So I give up and take the hand that feeds me the lies.
The lies I willingly swallow back with no regret.

We head back into the forests and he consumes me like a snake would devour their prey. Slowly, gently, the venom enters me, sinking beneath my skin. I'm taken aback as the pain is suddenly noticeable, but soon enough the numb feeling takes over, causing a smile to spread across my lips. I'm absent minded in this dream. Barely there, accepting kisses from the demon who I hate so much. There was something in there, bewteen us. Warm and tingly. Passionate and fierce. My teeth chatter as he makes his way up my leg, so gone, so lost. I can see it already, my hair messing as he pushes me down into the dirt, my dress wrinkling as he lifts it over my shivering torso. Leggings ripping and stretching when he decides they need to get out of the way. I hate myself as he saves me, I bite his neck as he pushes me deeper in the ground. I wish he'd bury me when we're through, but that could be awhile. My eyes close tightly and I feel the stabbing pains, his pleasure, my sin. I cannot breathe, I cannot swim away in the sea of soil. As long as he's happy, as long as he's grinning after he's done.
"Come on baby, why so glum?"
He questions me, though the trim of my dress covers half my face. Like he cares about the upper portion. I can't answer, all I can do is lay there motionless. He seems angry, and the fire inside him blows up in an explosion of rage. "Cheer the fuck up, you're the one who got yourself into this..." He continues, harder, and the tears can't be held back any longer. They fall from my eyes slowly, and the ground absorbs them as they fall so silently. It's my fault...yes it is my fault. He gets his way every time, he can't lose. So to save myself from another threat with a knife, I let him fuck me instead.

The Family illness part 2

2008-03-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

Shivers of pleasure run through him, waves of temptation flood inside him so quickly he is off again without reason, without full comprehension of what has taken place. The people of the city surround him, the screams of the women and children are so loud and distorted, just like the face of the monster. His face is a smile, demented and crazed. One big happy look of satisfaction.
All for nothing. All for something.
The feeling of never having to cry again. The feeling of the prison guards taking him down into isolation after yet another lashing out on his fellow inmates.
The blood is everywhere, his shirt is stained with the love of his family.
She lays in shambles, no longer able to tread water, as her legs are gone from the body. Removed. Torn away. Disgusting. That's what they think of him, that's what he's brought upon himself. He runs. He falls. He weeps. He regains his balance to recognize what he has done. What he has seen.
His baby girl huddled over her dead mother.
His eldest daughter in shreds.
- - - - - - - - - - - - ----- - - - - - -
- - - -- - - --- - - -- --
Complete. He is not complete now.
Not these days.
Rotting away behind thick bricks.
Unable to feel
Unable to touch
Everyday, another sloppy mess he calls a meal.
Throbbing pains shooting up and down his body.
Every day withstanding the brutal torture.
What he deserves. What he's earned.

open your eyes.

Part one of the family illness

2008-03-05T16:34:00.000-08:00

This is a normal situation, and although we have all been completely devastated by the past few incidents, the show must go on. We can't stop here.
Your mother is dead. Your father is in prison.
Your sister was left dead in the alley.
Your brother is trapped in the old life he can't quite leave.
The family is broken.
This is how it all begins.

The clever little girl, she never quit. The seduction was the best part, but after seeing the brutal slaying of the innocent she quickly began to fade. Her smile, her eyes...every quality she possessed was no longer hers. The devil danced and took it all away. He poured the girl a glass of something strong to numb the pain. The way her mother's blood slowly drained from her dying body was heart wrenching. She thought she knew him well. But the monster stayed locked away for 10 long years. One whole lonely decade. If she could only clear her head...
She's comfortable in heaven, and he'll burn every day in hell.
The way her limbs went limp, the way he cleaned the knife bewteen his fingers and licked the blood from them. Dried stains of brown were splattered across the room as she sat for hours, crying for mummy. "mummy please wake up," The little girl in her cotton white dress rubbed her lips over her mothers cold face. "mummy please wake up."
"mummy please wake up!"

He ran down streets, dodging old faces and ignoring the neighbors looks of confusion. The blood on his hands and clothes were not easily hidden in the broad daylight. The cold steel behind the fabric of his pocket made him shiver. the excitement bubbled inside as he made his way through crowds searching for the next one. She had to be there somewhere, within the walls of a random building, bewteen the streets in a long black dress waiting for what she did not expect.
Lock him up. Lock him up. Lock him up.

He began to sense it. He could smell it. He could feel it.
It was swelling inside him, the beast within.
Begging to be released. Begging and pleading.
The soul left the body a long time ago.
The conscience was never really there...
It tried to get out. It tried to get out.
Then it was...out.

Slashing and ripping and tearing her skin. The brick walls surrounding them quickly turned bloody and gruesome. Pieces of flesh being torn from the body, every substance she held leaked onto the pavement. Her fundamental freedoms were not considered. He was no longer her father but her killer. The enemy once gave her such joy, such love. This was forgotten when the knife entered her warm surface which covered the bones what were now exposed from the cutting, the splitting, the gashing. Every laceration he put into her exposed more of her insides.
And he ran. He left her in bits after shredding every inch of her. But her eyes, they could still see, and the tears that came from them were not water, but blood.

away

2008-02-29T13:39:00.000-08:00

"What do you have to say?"
He looked up and felt the rush of adrenaline. It made its way through his organs, his bones, giving him chills in the most sensitive areas. The excitement spilled through his fingertips as he strummed the guitar he held ever so gently. The throbbing is his head couldn't go away, it had been present for days. The question burned in his brain. He left Joann with nothing but an imprint on her heart. He never thought foolishness was a quality possessed by him, but you can't always be sure who you are in your own infected state of mind. The strings popped as he hit them harshly, the tips of his fingernails almost snapping off. Just because she wanted to know didn't mean he had to say a single God damn word. His own life was a downward spiral and it was all he could do to not drag her down with him. The night before he had went down to the rivers edge to seek comfort in the sands. All he felt was another burning sensation through him as he saw the ugly reflection that faced him in the water. Thoughts of drowning crossed his mind. Jeff was never a strong swimmer. Another pang. Another loss. She would most definately notice the bruise along his neck, the way he smelled of perfume that was not hers. She would see the look in his eyes. He didn't love her anymore. Maybe he never did. When he saw Lily walking by the docks the ice forming inside him began to melt instantly. The eyes of the angel washed over him and cleansed him, but nothing could cleanse him from what he had done. He was unfaithful with an angel. She claimed him, she breathed over his body with warm breaths that smelled of lavender. It was like the first time making love all over again. Perfection was all he felt as she slid over his cold lifeless body, slowly reviving him when her lips parted over his. The sand between his toes crunched as every muscle in his body tensed at the feeling she gave him. Blue sky overhead quickly turned red and pink, and her brown curls shook in the sunset. The cool breeze blew seductively and cooled them off after the final stretch. His weak limbs begged for more, but the angel turned away and slipped back into her wings and told him she'd come back tomorrow.
So there he sat at the waters edge once again waiting for the girl to return. Ignoring all questions from his previous lover. Technically his current lover who was nearly forgotten. She laughed and she cried but she never said she was sorry for her mistakes. He wondered why on earth he'd apologize for his. His eyes caught a glimpse of flimsy blonde hair walking toward him, and his grip tightened on the neck of the guitar.
"Jeff...what are you doing?" The look in Joann's puzzled face hardly brought on an inch of regret, and he moved back from her, holding up his free hand. "I can't see you now. You have to leave, Joann. You have to go," He turned to face the docks and saw Lily on her way towards him. He was tempted to run but had no where to go. The only thing on his mind was Lily. Her sweet taste, her pink lips, and her blue eyes that stared into him so deeply as they pulled themselves into each other. Nothing more than a fling? Oh please. "What do you mean. You're fucking crazy. I want to know. What the hell do you have to say?"
Joann had her hands firmly upon her hips. The hips he'd once longed to hold between his hands, the hips upon which rested the jeans he'd removed from her a thousand times before. But he could still see the light of Lily coming, and his bitterness towards Joann emerged in a state of lust and lack of power. He'd told her he had something to tell her. He should answer soon...but he met Lily in between. And Lily changes everything. With his teeth gritted he spat at her words of complete hate, "I need you to leave because...because I don't love you anymore. I can't stand your hair. It's too straight. I can't stand the way you look at me when I'm trying to concentrate, and I am absolutely sick of the taste of oranges on your tongue."
Joann looked up at Jeff, the tears were clearly there. He'd never seen her disappear so quick. In her place, Lily. Perfect Lily. She was spilling with beauty. Radiating with love. Her head tilted and she laid her hand on his chest, slowly pushing him towards the water. Her dress fell from her shoulders into the sand and pebbles, and she unbuttoned the jeans Jeff was wearing. Gasping for air he tried not to move too quickly, fumbling with his shirt collar and the belt that fell to the ground along with their bodies. His hair hit the water and she got on top of him. The angel thrusting towards her goal. He smiled, and so did Lily. She dragged her long fingers through his hair, and took his neck between her hands, her naked body glowing in the heat of the sun. She pushed him, she did it with care. He entered her slowly and she soon closed her eyelids over the blue she held within them. The pleasure came over them in waves, and soon he couldn't feel air entering his lungs. His head was under the water, and she held him there as she pleased herself with his suffocating body. The world became blurry under the blue and the black. All he saw was the perfect pink lips, the paper white skin, and everything was ending. He could still feel him pulsing inside her, warm and cozy within her. The water entered his lungs so fast as she held him under, finally reaching her peak, he could hear the muffled screams of joy. He died inside the angel, she took him under her wing.

lead you in

2008-02-22T13:10:00.000-08:00

I think she can sense when our eyes meet.
Locked on, so serious.
completely in control of all these desires I hold so precious.
In my own way, I keep still on my feet.
Somehow I walk forward as I wish you were mine.
Listening intently to the nothingness inside
Holding my heart and leading the blind.
I won't be alone tonight.
I won't stay away. I'll taunt you forever.
Just like you taunt me.
When you ask me to leave, I'll never obey.
I've begged for your absence.
I know
I know
Time can heal my failing organs
But with your face passing by,
It's hopeless.
It's endless.

I want to wake up never knowing you existed.
The pain would never be felt again.
I just need a new lover to mourn over.
A new project to dissect.

I'm so sick of pulling myself apart to discover the same old useless facts, I can't find a better way to make it better on the outside. The freckles aren't a part of me as I rip them from my skin. The part of my hair will cease to be on the left, but the right. The blue in my eyes will slowly turn to black. The colour of pink youth will drain from my face. I'll change anything to be unrecognizable. Put my old self in a box, set it off into the distant waters.
I want to celebrate my new beginning.
So gather around my old pain and watch it descend.
Watch it all float away.

Action without words

2008-02-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a story.
It reminds of the good days when we sat behind the flowers of the summer months. When we watched the moon so high in the sky, and you held my hand as I hoped to stay out later. To watch the sun rise. But it always ended with a kiss on the lips as you walked me home just past 4, and I sat in the window as you made your way back to your own bed. I could never sleep.
I held my breath so the smoke would get to me faster.
I held and held until you called me the very next day.
My patience seemed to run short with you, but I always felt giddy at the sound of your voice. I always heard you smiling. Felt your warm eyes on me, though blocks away.
Nothing felt right until I felt the happiness bursting inside me, threatening to tear at the seams and destroy all I am. All I was.
Hand over hand, legs intertwined, spilling over the earth. Telling you nothing is what you want. All you need is love. all you need is money, and all you have is greed. They couldn't betray you.
He couldn't.
He wouldn't.
But how do I know anything. I'd like to know everything. But I think that would only dismantle me. Waste me. Tame me. Tell me what you need to hear, and I swear I'll say it all.
If I could only have sight beyond what's in front of me. My imagination used to run so wild and rampant. No one would judge me. No one would tell me I have to measure up to anything. But now it seems as though my life is one big competition. I'm never good enough. I'm never skinny enough. I can hardly keep my eyes in line with what I've always wanted. My dreams are truly out of reach this time. My life is truly out of balance. And my hands cannot hold onto anything that I want. That I need. The necessities of life have become scarce and rare.
Am I delusional, or am I really dying?
When this world stops lying to me, I can stand up and shout.
I can leave you now.
I can walk away.

I wish you picked up the phone, and at least told me you were about to disappear off the face of the earth.

My last apology

2008-01-03T09:35:00.001-08:00

Today I'm going to make a difference.
I'm going to live more, laugh more, talk more, smile more, love more.
Because I'm sorry for the days I let it pass me by. The fact that I ignore what I feel is difficult to face. And it is only a reflection of how I feel towards the past. I like to forget things, but you always want to sit down and talk about it. I don't. I hate reminiscing on the times I wanted to curl up in the corner and forget about the world. Forget about you, and the day we met. I can't force myself to listen, I'll merely block you out. It's the easiest way. It's the only way.
Don't apologize. Not to me. Can't you notice that every other word out of my mouth is, "sorry". Sorry for you. Sorry for me. Sorry for the world and anything that ever happened within it. Because when the first atomic bomb dropped we all died a little bit on the inside and out. How can we forgive ourselves after we destroy what we create? How can you let me live on only to realize that it was all a lie to protect what hardly matters. Your mouth is crystal and my eyes are coal. I could smash whats worth everything to me. I could tear apart the only thing that makes me smile, weep, laugh, kill.
Death sentences for us all! That's the price of murder, so tell me what it is we did to come to this unfortunate end. We've finally encountered whatever it was that we were always waiting for, and he came in a shiny box covered in diamonds and silk. He told us that our lives were merely nerve endings waiting to be thrown away, like they threw away your umbilical cord after 9 months of love. 9 months of happiness ended so abruptly as you entered the cruel place we call earth. So cold and filled with greed. Hurting for a smaller population and you are only another problem that will continue to violently rape her. And she cries. She cries. The rain are her tears, the storms are her revenge.
And we cry. We cry. We mourn. We wish. We pray.
But it never works, it only will when you look me in the eyes
and with one last breath
you slowly gasp
I'm sorry

hello. and goodbye.
short days, long nights.
regretting every single pill I ever swallowed.
Tormenting every soul I ever loved.
It's how life goes.
It's how life ends.
But how did it begin?
When and where did the action take place? She must have smiled at the beginning. It's always perfect then. As we sink towards the finish line I can see the bodies burning. But what else I see...can't be too certain. Could it be a faint grin? It rests upon those lips that smell like love. She's more than content to watch us suffer as she did. We drown in the sand as she holds our heads below the surface. We deserve this. We earned this. We worked hard to achieve this graceful death, this mindless attempt at escape.

I welcome you to mother nature's slaughterhouse.
She frowned as you erased her beauty piece by piece, but now...
it's all turned around.
The hunter becomes the hunted.
They prey becomes the killer.
And we all fall out of the safe haven we never truly knew.

Cleanse me

2007-12-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

As I enter the water, I can feel my body change.
I become what I am, what I was born to be.
I'm more than at peace with the universe when I feel the warmth against my skin. I can hear nothing but soothing waves crashing upon me, making love to my new coat of pink flesh. It massages the surface of the beach, and the sand cradles me so gently. She could never hurt me, she could never abandon me. I'm finally home. I'm finally invulnerable, in a dwelling that could never be shaken.
As I feel the damp breeze shuffle the leaves in the trees, my eyes begin to turn. I feel the venom taking me in slowly, though I hardly feel the pain. She kisses my throat with lips that feel like velvet rose. Pink and creamy, moist and supple. I can hardly imagine what it's like to be in chains. The freedom I have could never be stolen. It could never evaporate and leave my grasp. The water repairs me, when I'm crushed and mangled she can mend me back to who I was before. No illness could withstand the affection she delivers. It nothing short of a delusion, but let me tell you, it's honest. It's authentic. It's real.

Blame yourself.

2007-12-21T14:05:00.000-08:00

I prefer to see myself as a rather reasonable person.
Very rational. Quite balanced, level headed.
I always know the right thing to say at the perfect moment.
I've mastered the craft, handled the method, and threw it back to the one who started it all. You might say I'm a perfectionist but I'm hardly one to try. They look at me like I've accomplished something great, but I can't seem to lie, I've done nothing out of the ordinary. Let me assure you I come only to watch and listen. To absorb the information that they tell me like a sponge. I'm not present for any other reason. I'm not here to prove you wrong. I'm not here to debate our state of being, where we originate, or where we will end up. Just let me sit. Just let me soak. You won't regret your choices, the ones I slyly made you choose. You know, I truly despise this game of manipulation and backstabbing. I never intend to harm anyone but myself. However, my escapades can get out of control. It's merely lack of self discipline. It seems I need to work harder on that aspect of myself. I apologize in advance, since I have no warning signs on the road ahead. You can never be sure when the lashing out will begin.
How can I say sorry? How can I take a last glimpse into the eyes of such nothingness, and feel such strength behind me, and within me? I'm suddenly powered, fueled, with something never felt before. Never tasted before. As I clutch my stomach it simply takes charge, overpowering every thought that clouds my brain. I can only wish for a safe haven now, I'm hardly present within these limbs any longer.
Sands of time can flow away but it could never stop me, hold me back, restrain the monster that lurks beneath the smile.

temp

2007-12-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

I'm trying so hard to explain to you, but my words get too knotted before even leaving my parted lips. I'm screaming for the answer, but my throat is slowly closing. Getting more and more fearful of what comes next. I'll never understand how my mind works, how my body freezes up at the sight of you, but I can still breathe once your hands are all over me. It's like my head is underground, buried, I'm blinded by never ending shadows, I'm choking on oncoming lights. Everything around me suffocates me, rips my lungs away like nothing. Even though it really is...something. They'll never know how to affect me the way you do. I hardly know how myself. To control it is to slow it down, and baby, I don't want it to end.
I can tell by your eyes that you don't want to be here.
It's much too claustrophobic for me as well.
I can only handle being lost in an array of sheets with you.
I could live underneath the bedspread forever, as long as you never leave me all alone in the dark warmth of the pillows and comforter. Nothing comforts like you. Even in the brisk wind, I can't get goosebumps like I do when you touch me. When you feel me.
Sliding along my body, inch by inch, never stopping to exhale. Never stopping to inhale. Just keep going. Just keep holding your breath. Until you gather the strength to blow the cool air into me, revive me. Bring the life back.
Show me what it means to be alive and indestructible.

a manifesto

2007-12-10T13:10:00.001-08:00

To anyone who has ever wanted to save the world;
I give you, my life.
It's not much but I didn't know what else would be suitable for such an occasion as this. I never really gave myself the time to think. I know I should have, but...I have a problem with procrastination. It always defeats me, and time runs out before I can find a reason, an excuse, anything to cover another mistake made, on my terms. Always, on my terms. Never their fault, always my own. Apologies have only been given but never returned. They don't think I would appreciate it. But they just don't understand. Sometimes, I wish they would try to. Trying something new was never too difficult, my mother encouraged it, so now I do the same.
Jump into the sea of change and feel yourself grow.
Feel yourself adjust to new water, and feel yourself morph,
feel yourself reconstruct, feel yourself mutate.
Don't be so possessed by society's views, and try to catch the fleeting glimpse before you're truly gone, and have nothing to rely on. Nothing to see, because it's long gone around the bend.
You're so obsessed. Obsessed with the innocence of her frail arms, and weak smile. Captivated by the white skin, the glossy hair, the youth she holds behind her shiny eyes.
Infatuated, and can't shake it off. She won't forget you, but you'll forget her innocence once you tear her insides apart. Consuming her glorious charm. Annihilating everything she ever held within her.
And you ask yourself, "How could I?" But only as you dismantle the ticking bomb inside the helpless girl. The sheltered girl. The broken, desolate girl.
So, how could you? How could you?
A grin on your lips clearly tells me how, and you proceed to give the gory details. She said, "I want to go to bed" and you erupted in laughter as you dragged her to the cold, and dark attic, and laid her on the mattress which had stains all over it. You told me of the way you wrapped the rope around her, the way the knife cut her bleached skin, and how the mirrors framed 2 bodies as one wept, and another made love.
But how could you, is the only thing on my mind.
Not How.
But, how? Why?
You must be the reckoner. The ruiner. The critic, the cynic.
Breaker of images I ever thought reflected the small ounce of good in man kind. Here's whats left, now take it, take it, take it, and take it all. Leave me nothing, let me starve.
Please, please. Tell me there's no God.
Give me a fair chance to question the revolutionary man. The industrial worker. The polluter, the deceiver, the liar who covers for us all.

I just want someone to save me,
but not the way you think you saved her.

Aurora borealis

2007-12-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

what the hell?
you used to always say that you loved me. That you loved the world. That you loved life and living, and everything in between. It's all been taken. It's all been stolen.
Your life was taken to Rochester.
And given a new persona.

When I'm clutching the horns of the devil is when I'll know its really over. I'm so lost, so dazed, so confused. Where did this shit begin? And where the fuck does it end? You lied. they lied. we lied. Explosive tempers kept me from asking more. the curiosity building inside was heartbreaking. You lied. you lied.
I won't look back. I'll never look back
Because I've come to hate my face.
I've learned to hate the skin I'm in,
And wish that I was someone else.

The blades have been digging into the dirt, searching for the lost souls beneath it. You misplaced everything after seeing the destruction, the loss, the sadness. I'm hardly awake now, seeing as I was needing rest for quite some time. Look at it all. doesn't it bring tears to your eyes? Why aren't you sympathizing with the victims? How can you be so emotionless?
Who the hell are you and what have you done with yourself.
Your old self.
Your true self.
You know, the guy who used to always say he loved me. The guy who used to tell me everything was going to be okay. where is he? Could you perhaps, help me find him. Maybe, just maybe? Someone already told me what's important so I know all of that, but I just want you to tell me the silly things that are hardly relevant. I need a laugh, so give me one. Force me to smile, and even show my teeth. that's how wide I want it to be.
Sparkling smiles.
Sparkling teeth.
Everywhere. All around me. But I don't feel a thing.
They can't touch me, nothing can. I'm unstoppable and the clouds can hold me up.
----
-----
------
--------
You are not beautiful, and when they assure you that you are, remember, they are lying. they are the underground, and they're looking above as they dick around with your heart. So drink another glass of cheap brandy and take another shot of tequila.
It'll make you feel better.
I send my love, dearest.
I hope you feel good in the morning.
But you still won't be beautiful, sorry. but I'm sure you'll find someone out there who could love your hideous self, inside and out. He'll be an unusual fool, and you'll only have hollow conversation. But when you walk in crowds you'll seem to disappear, so hold your head high as the world cradles you. Summon the words from deep down and let it out.
Just scream at the top of your lungs, until they simply pop.

Aren't you happy it's over?
Aren't you disappointed with such a cruel and harsh ending?
Well listen to it.
Because you can't ignore the truth forever.

eat it up eattt itt uppp

2007-12-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

Strip your heart and mind of all inhibitions you may hold within you, because tonight I'm going to make sure I peel them off. Your dreams. Your hopes. Skinned alive, and still breathing. Bleeding and tearing at the seams.
Everything is going to disappear inside you.
You will be a hollow shell. And that's the way I like it,
Start running, if we carry the weight on our shoulders, we should start now. You never know when the end will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
but boy, it's coming.
I can tell you that.

Love it to death, squeeze 'til it dies.
Scrub it away. Scrub away your shame with metal sheets.
Metal soap.
Metal water.
Press yourself against the cold air, and just;
let it embrace you, every single inch
every single curve
Let it happen
and the pain will subside.

They call him a healer. They bow at his feet.
He can tell them, he can help you.
You'll be vindicated soon enough. When the healing really starts. You'll only be exonerated for a crime you'd gladly commit again. We all know inside you'll rip out plenty more hearts.
But we find your attractive smile and sultry, burning eyes really get to us. They eat me up inside. First, starting at the heart, and working its way through to my intestines and liver. Only to end up munching at my lungs. they must get bored when nothing is left to devour.

you know, she left us a note before she put the rope around her neck...

I have something to tell you. I could have shown you but I guess I never had the chance. I never had the courage, and I never had the strength. All I can do is lay here and hope you care. But not about my selfish ways. Not about the mistakes I made, the accusations, and the lies I've told. Even the ones you'll never know of. But I want you to feel warmth as my body gets cold, and my heart shuts down. It will never shut down for you. I could have never shut down if you never let me. But you did let me. So here I am. Final words, and at a loss for them. I thought I knew how to say goodbye. I thought I knew what is and isn't right. But now, as I sit here, I am suddenly second guessing myself. My actions cannot be regrets, I've always had this principle. So, I'll assure myself again. this is right. this is right. this is going to be beautiful and painless and glorious. I'll find light, and I'll never have to wallow in darkness again. It will never rain, wherever I go. The clouds will be milky white, and the sky will be a soft shade of blue. I can hardly wait to see you there. I'm waiting. I'm hardly holding on, so I better let go now. The lines almost dead, and so am I. Don't have a lack of concern, because I know its normal. they won't think I'm awful will they? I've always wondered that, because it was always coming. I figure, once its done they'll all forget my face, my name. I need a closing, an ending. I want it to be remembered. I need it to be unforgettable. When they see me swinging from the rafters they'll never sleep again. They'll never smile again. but once I find peace, I'll sleep forever.
I miss you already. I hope you miss me.
Meet me on the other side? I'll be watching.
I'll be waiting.

I'm never gonna go back there

2007-11-28T14:01:00.001-08:00

Cool your jets, sweet pea, it's only half past 2.
You shouldn't be passing out yet, the drugs have hardly set in. But you're eyes, so hollow and cold, they look as though perhaps you've been worn out long before this encounter.
It's too bad, you had such a promising future of selling yourself. Of lighting yourself aflame so you can shine behind the crowd that called you worthless just last year. They don't know what it means to be a star. They don't understand what it means to glow in the morning heat.
And they never really will.
Do you know why?
Because,
I do.
It's called ignorance, and they eat a heaping bowl for breakfast.
A steaming cup for lunch.
A thick and savory plate of it for dinner.
And did I mention, 3 spoonfuls a day for the youngens.

Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead deaD
They're all fucking dead on the inside and out.

Kill your voice, kill your soul
Kill your freedom
kill your freedom
kill your freedom?
Destroy the light
Destroy the voice you have,
the only one.
Because the words you choose are worthless.
And you only speak in the language of greed.

Yell at me viciously

2007-11-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

People need to learn the concepts, they barely exist but obviously are still there. somewhat intact. I'll assume you know the question and can therefore give me the answer?
Falling over is easy to understand, in a literal way.
Figuratively falling over can be more difficult to comprehend.
Do you plan on reaching the top only to become the next tragedy?
Shakespeare would not approve of this.
This...tragic flaw you posses. It's far too cliche.
Overused, washed up, simple.
Sarcastic smiles and over the top laughter at lame jokes. Is this what we paid for? Is this what we came to enjoy? I'm practically gagging at the sight.
I'm practically choking at the moment you spit out your dessert and with eyes wide open crawl over the table, and into my arms. Into my body. Into my mouth. Down my throat, and into my heart.
How could I return the favour?
Cough you up and spit you out?
List the ways you make me feel pretty.
You make me feel ugly.
You make me feel lonesome.
You make me feel pity.
Pity for you.

but she said, we're all gonna die from the same fucking thing.
the same fucking disease.
The fashion and culture.
The shock of getting fat.
The shame of growing old, and;
Growing up.
Growing up.
Growing up.
Growing up.
Growing up.

Well we all one day wish we had listened to the protector.
when he told you nothing hurts more than a kiss on the mouth.
And when you swoon her, do it gently, with care.
Trust her. and she will trust you
therefore, the turnaround can occur.
----------------------
Pay for her dinner, pay for her drinks.
Pay for the cab ride home.
Pay for the kisses, pay for the sex.
But she'll pay when you leave her all alone.

unfinished life

2007-11-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

I don't think you would want to know what I think of you.
But perhaps I'll share anyway.
You're pathetic, a low life, going nowhere, and you know it.
And you probably don't care, because I'm positive you'll be happy living on welfare, raising 10 children in a trailer park? Oh, and I know you'll never regret any of your ever so stupid decisions?
Right, right. Of course.
Act like everything is all fine and dandy.
When you're tripping on your shit,
On your lies,
On yourself.

Sit up straight, you piece of shit, look me in the eye and tell me where you're hearing the news...and if you say a little bird told you well, you can guarantee that you'll feel a sharp pain in your shins.

I'm the sound you wanna hear, but I boxed up your ears

2007-10-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

I will level you. I'll set you right.
Just wait. I'll tell you what, how about...
wait. I can't quite concentrate.
Continents separate...in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

The water hits my face so hard,
that the air I hold within my lungs just can't seem to escape.
Where does the ground begin?
How deep does the hole really go?
And when my hands tell me to push you.
I only pull you closer.
Closer to this wreckage.
So maybe, through my clenched teeth, I can tell you something I usually would keep to myself. Hold you against me, regain your trust. So just in time, I can spit in your face and throw you into the sea.
I'll miss you.
Then move on.

It's the same old story with different names.
Deal with the issues coz I'm gone, baby.
I'm out baby. I got shit to deal with.
And this shit doesn't include you.
Keep your selfish antics to yourself
I don't wanna be a part of you.
I don't wanna see this part of you.
Are you gonna burn up and sail off into the sky.
Or will you wait around to see what's next?
You always go with the crowd's flow, never your own.

So here I am
pushing myself into complete mystery.
Don't call me
I'm history.

They don't love you like I love you

2007-10-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

When I've run out of better things to do, that's when I'll come home. I promise. But you know, I have a lot of activities that could take up all my time, leaving none left for anything else. Sorry about that, but you know, maybe you should just take it as a hint. This is a hint, from me to you. What sort of hint, you ask? Take a guess, old boy. I know that you're ever so good at making guesses. Making assumptions. Taking someones words and twisting them into tall tales and troubling lies. What you call your masterpiece is really nothing but a fucking joke.
Well, now that I've let that out, we can get to the point.
The point of me being here is to break down your ego into several small portions. Each portion represents different things in your life.
Some of these include:
Cheap wine
Bad music
Fixing cars
Chasing birds
Going to the movie theater alone.

Now that we've summed that up...I can continue onto what I feel is more important than your sad excuse of hobbies and a life. Well, what I see in front of me is bigger than a sac of potatoes, but hardly smaller than a rather obese man. Could you please step down from the table?
Thankyou.
so I guess you've decided what you think you will be doing for the rest of your life. Get married to some pretty young thing, knock her up a few times, watch her get fat, sad, and depressed, then quickly decide you no longer want what you once thought you desired. Alright. So you can leave town and start somewhere new. Desert your once happy family and make a new one, then leave once again once you no longer fit the description of "picture perfect". Excellent. So now you can leave and perhaps move onto a bigger city? Nothing that you will like to much because, well, we wouldn't want you to love it so much you can't stand to leave eventually. Okay, so we'll settle with...Kingston. That sounds fine, yes? Alright.
so you've found something new to do, and someone new to deceive, but how will she feel when you let the cat out of the bag? So you get married, watch her squeeze out a few puppies, watch the household turn to shit, and oh my look at the time. Time to go. So you leave the now fat hag, who was once beautiful and youthful, to pursue yet another new dream. To ruin yet another lovely girl who never expected something like this. Ah, this time, it will be different, yes?
Oh, yes it will.

Toronto. that sounds rather suiting. Plenty of jobs, plenty of girls. You are set. So you hit the bars, have a few nights on the town, until you meet this lovely thing. She must be at least 12 years your junior. Her eyes sparkle like you've never seen, and her cheekbones are so perfect you could swear she must be plastic. That waistline couldn't get any more petite and fragile. Wait, have you seen her in a magazine? No, no don't be silly. She's a normal girl like the rest of the others that go to the slum on Thursday nights. After a few nights of dancing, and fun, you can't help but absolutely love her.
So theres months, then years, and here we go again. A wedding ring on her finger, absolutely darling I tell you. Shines like no other. He must really like this one, for once he didn't cheap out. So they're off enjoying their new life together. Baby number one...and look at that, not one stretch mark, not a single ounce of fat on that body just weeks after the birth. More, more, more babies. And he takes good care of them, oh yes. While she's off at the club making her rounds, he's home with 4 children. He must be wondering, what happened?
Her perfection drives him mad, and his beer gut doesn't make it much better.
And then one day, oh look at the time! Time to go.
And he's left all alone to tend for 4 kids. Oh my my, what a shame.

Karma's a bitch.

loves it but just doesn't get it.

2007-10-09T13:12:00.001-07:00

You...
you you you
Always all about you
Won't you be quiet for a moment, so we can find a new topic.
So we can find a new reason to live
Cuz your old theories are getting boring, and I'd think of a few myself if you would fucking let me.
Oh and you're...not what I thought you'd be,
as I expected someone with a little more self respect
that didn't run away. Run from the horror.
Bring me some self worth and I'll consider what we'll do next. whether it be simple or complex, it will still be two people wrapping themselves around each other until there isn't any power left to push us forward.

Allow me to introduce myself. So one day you won't feel uncomfortable when I ask you to do the following...
Scrape me off the walls, please. Tell everyone I loved them so. Even as I ran in circles, constantly running away. Just like you.
Tell them my story. I assume you know it
Burn my journals, but only until after you read every page.
Every word I wrote about you.
Everything I saw in you
Everything I thought of you.
Absorb it, feel it, be it.
Then, change it.
Take off your mask and reveal your true colours.
I can't imagine healing through you. Suffer to be awaken.
Waiting, miserably awaiting future times.
Just you one more time, and... swallow bullets.
Leave me. Leave me.
come on closer
A bit closer
Let me actually feel you.

I'm crawling like a fool. Drinking back these poison memories.
Wait with me, and stay until I'm gone.
Wait with me and before I fall asleep

Let me actually feel you.

gimme gimme, ALWAYS GETS

2007-09-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

Can you feeeeeel that?

the glory of the morrrninggg...

The beauty of the silence was never seen until now.

The security I can feel never pulled through.

Feel that?
My knife in your back

Yeah, it happens. Sometimes, shit happens.

What is this world you call home? what are these words from your mouth? When seeing through blind eyes means talking to deaf ears, hollow souls, empty hearts. Interrupting sleep at 5 am, only to tell me you're leaving. I'd rather you'd left a note.
Fuck you for never stopping halfway;
I always wanted to be left hanging.
You can finish next time, you can give me satisfaction next time.
Next time? Bull shit.

Give me glory, give me reason. Don't be alarmed that fear is falling back.
Back into our minds. Back into our spines.
Come on baby, why you lookin' like a coward, why you strugglin' like a fool.
Pull the trigger and smile like you mean it.
Love me like you mean it.
When bombs stop talking to me, I can rest, I can rest. When bones stop spying on me I can sleep peacefully. But these eyes won't stop following me, and I can't let you go.
Opportunities decide to show themselves at the worst moment.
Old friends always appear when I'm the most fucked up. I don't like to be this confused. I don't like to break promises. But sometimes, I do. What can I say? What can I say? Tell me I'm good enough. Tell me I'm sick enough.
Tell me I'm tall enough to walk over your wall.
To penetrate the outer shell and push through your stinging manifesto of lies.

Even one night can ruin a soul
But two can fucking kill it.

exclamation point

2007-09-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is ridiculous,
you are ridiculous.
I can only say one thing I guess..
Don't do it if you're going to regret it.
Don't tell me something if you're thinking of taking it back.
And don't kiss me if you're going to kiss her 8 hours later.

its knda like..a love song

2007-08-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

He said "just take my hand and walk over the cliff with me."
His hands were so calm I was embarrassed of my own, trembling in fear.
But what else could I do but say "okay," to such warm eyes.
He led the way and I could feel the cool air at the back of my neck, blowing seductively through my hair, and holding me up, as I could barely feel the ground.
He looked at me and kissed me, but my numb lips wouldn't let me feel. My blank eyes wouldn't let me see. How could I be missing my own tragic love story?
Each step made my breathing heavier, all I could smell was the end. But his fingers softly brushing against mine made it all so worth it.
We just had to keep going. We just couldn't stop moving. But all I wanted to do was throw him down in the dirt and feel him against me one more time before we jumped. Before we took the plunge into something new, something wild, something unknown.
Sweat began to form along my forehead, my nerves were giving in. My heart was pumping blood so fast I thought I might die of heart failure before reaching the edge.
If this what the world wanted for me, then it shall be done.
I could see the worry in his eyes, and thought perhaps this, was a mistake. One huge mistake that we could never take back. I braced myself for the hit.
And it hit me. It was passionate. It was bold.
Had my body been set on fire? Had my heart been ripped out and thrown to the bottom of the cliff? Should I jump after it?
Silence, and all I could feel was his lips pressing against mine.
I was so happy to no longer be numb.
That's when we fell forward, our lips still locked.
The wind rushed by, cradling us carefully, and relieving the burning ache inside my loins. The harsh reality of taking two steps forward and no steps back slammed against a wall in my brain. Each cell frantically screamed for me to find level ground, but that wouldn't be for a few more hundred feet.
It wasn't pain, it was love. It only hurt when I was breathing.
And now, we didn't have to breathe anymore.

call me

2007-08-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

I always do the same old thing. How can I be so stupid?
How can I just let you slide away.
The longer I wait the harder it is to dial the number again.
Even after confessions on a drunken evening...you hold back
You stand back.
Why can't you just stand the fuck up and kiss me.
Why can't you get over yourself and just do what's right.

I'd really appreciate it.
Because I miss you.

How to be a superstar

2007-07-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

Are the measurements perfect?
Are her eyes and lips just right?
Is her waist small enough, are her tits big enough?
Could she be the next big thing with no talent up her sleeve?

How could you ever love me when my hair isn't blonde?
How could you want me with what you see in the magazines?
The insecurities never hit me, I never let them.
I never let it hit close enough to home.
But maybe if you reach home base you'll stay forever?

Sorrow and pity. Love and despair.
Completely out of control.
Epidemic. Taking over. Say goodbye.
Kiss me goodbye if you can.
If you walk away without a word I guess I could understand.
I guess I could handle my life without you.

I'm just guessing...
don't make me find out.

Breathing

2007-07-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

Are we moving forward, or are we walking backwards?
Are we progressing in this world of technology and fame?
Are we making a difference by killing what feeds us?
Mother Nature is under-appreciated. She's a loving, caring, whore. A lover with the softest lips, and the sweetest kisses. She'll do anything for her children, but she'll kill them all as well. Are we at fault for the mistakes she's made?
We are the reason she sends down the clouds, to devour us.
You are the problem. It's your fault that the waves came over the city.
It is because of you that we drown in our own blood.

She is the reason we can breathe.
From me, to you. Words are easily spoken, but thoughts are locked away. Feelings are eaily hidden, until you show yourself, until you give yourself away to the enemy. The soldiers take your brain, and they make you something new. Something useful. Something so ugly, so hideous. Wrinkles forming in your youthful skin. But I'm alive, and nothing else matters. The government can eat my fucking shorts. But I'm alive, and nothing else matters.

Promises are easily broken, and the emptiness inside me can't be filled.
Not with wine, water, or bread.
Only with your love.

...

2007-07-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

I want you one peice at a time.
Slowly consuming me. And I can never get enough.
Just walk with me forever. Up and down the lonely streets.
I didn't know this could be so good.
I didn't know I could feel this good.
I appreciate the look in your eyes.
I appreciate you showing that you care.
But you must really get sick of me, when I tend to ruin everything.
Not on purpose, not by choice.
It just happens.

Could I look any more pathetic, than I do at this very moment?
On my knees, begging you to stay.
Tears everywhere. I'm a mess.

Can you love this mess I am?

2007-07-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

He turned to me and stared for a moment. I wished the pause would end, the silence killed me. All I could do was watch my shoes, and trace the patterns with my eyes. He took a sip of his coffee, and I could hear him breathe heavily as he set his bevarage down on the table. Our eyes met, and the awkward silence decided to end.

"When do you leave?" I asked, nervously tapping my fingers. I only hoped he wouldn't notice the fear written all over my face.

"Soon," He replied, with a blank look in his eyes. "I guess I'm thinking, I don't want to leave anymore. I mean, why should I when I have such a good thing going here." I nodded and smiled, all I could ever do in his presence.

"I think I love her too much." He continued, and my heart sunk deeper than it had in awhile. I could feel my lungs struggling to get air, to just, breathe. My throat began to close up, as if I was having an allergic reaction to the fact that him and I, was not anything but a good friendship. An old love affair, and a new friendship. ninth grade never felt farther away. But he never felt so close to me, and so close to ripping my heart apart once again. and just after I had it repaired...

"Well if you really love her, then don't go. But don't complain to me when you realize that you missed the opportunity of a lifetime." I said firmly, crossing my arms. I glanced across the room to the front door of the shop, and noticed a girl flipping the sign. Closed. Finally, now I could release myself from his grasp.

"Well, I just don't think you get it..." He tried to spit out the words but I cut him off. "I don't get it? You don't get it, okay? I can't explain it to you, I don't even want to explain it to you. You'll laugh, and it's stupid. I have to go home." I was on the verge of yelling, but my words choked me, and I could feel the tears streaming down my face. He was saying something, but it was all a blur behind my muffled sobs and squinty eyes. I could only run now. So I did. I ran like I never thought I could. I hadn't run like this since seventh grade in cross coutnry, and it felt so good to feel the cool air dry my tears of frustration. Anger had built it's way up in my system and it had to come out sometime...I guess I just didn't expect to let everything slip out in front of him. He had been with her for quite awhile, and why I couldn't accept the fact that he was in love was beyond me. I find that I take awhile to get over things, maybe it takes a couple months. But this, we are talking years. It's almost pathetic, some could say, but to me, it's just a fact of life.

I was hardly paying attention when I noticed him driving right beside me, the lame girl who was still running away form nothing. He rolled down the window and had a confused look on his face "What on earth was that about?" He asked as he pulled over to the side of the road. I sighed, and quietly whispered, " Well I guess you being in love reminded me of how crappy my relationship is." My teeth were grinding, and my legs were burning, and he was beautiful.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he got out of the vehicle and slowly walked towards me. " What did he do this time?"

I felt my soul curling up into a ball, trying to hide from what was in plain view. The words slowly fell out, "Well it just, I don't know he...I really don't want to talk about it. I guess I just snapped. I just think, you should go. Just go! Okay? Because if you don't and things don't work out with her, then what? What do you have left?"

"I guess I know what you're saying, but this isn't going to just end abruptly.."

"I get that!" I yelled, feeling his eyes all over me.

"No, you don't. Everything is going to be okay, you just need to be more optimistic. You're not the same." He looked at me with some sort of sincerity in his eyes.

"Well maybe you would know who I was if you didn't ignore me for 2 years."

That's when I saw it for the first time since it had ended. That pain in his eyes, that look he had when something wasn't right. I could almost feel his heartbeat in my chest, speeding up. I could see the sweat slowly forming on his forhead, and his blonde curls shook in the wind, almost looking cold in the cool breeze of a July night. I shoved him back against his car, and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. His strong shoulders, they had really matured. He looked down at me and no words were needed. I knew what this was.

This, was goodbye.

jawbreakers

2007-06-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

I hope you've come to realize this can never last forever. I'm bound to get bored, and discard you like a worn out pair of jeans. You won't be a thrill to me much longer. Everything gets old, and everything makes me tired.
I hope you pack your things up before I come home, as I don't want you to be here when I arrive at the door. I put the key in the lock, and slowly turn to the left. Open the door, and step inside, and you, are gone. Erased from my life.
I needed a sense of security to break down all these walls.
It's what I thought, but all I really needed...
was for you to walk out the door.
Say goodbye, because it feels so right. Even though those tears in your eyes make me feel like I've done something wrong. They make me feel like I'm the problem. I'm the reason nothing ever works. I scare myself, and I ruin everything that ever could have been, because I'm too terrified to realize someone cares. This is never what I wanted. This is never what i saw coming. But she really adores you, doesn't she? She really truly cares.
I could never give a fuck about presents.
I could never understand your words.
Your body language. You're so much more than what you used to be.
You've grown so much in my eyes.

Close the door behind me, and walk into the room. Slowly sift through broken air, and make my way into the room where you lay. The bags are packed, the shelves seem empty. So I walk into your arms. Unbutton my soul. Undress my heart. Turn off the light.
Show me what you mean when you say,
Baby, I wanna crawl inside you.

what did you first see?

2007-06-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

Did you see the stars in my eyes, when you took me away,
from this place I call home. This place I call hell.
And we drive ourselves under the ground,
misplacing our hearts and our minds.
Leaving it all behind, because we only need eachother.
We don't need air, we don't need light.
Nourishment from one another keeps us alive.

Something inside me wants you to love me.
Something beneath my skin tells me to kill you.
Inside this skull lies thoughts I can't share,
thoughts of kissing your lips so lightly,
but just as soon as I lay my hands upon your face,
I smash you into a brick wall. Scratching at your eyes. Hitting you, beating you, tearing off your clothes. Turning down the lights and closing the blinds as I strip your mind, body, soul, and skin.

Swimming in sheets so thick, swimming in your disease.
Drowning in your memories, drowning in your bloodstreams.
Struggling to take your lifeless body,
and push it over the cliff.
To say goodbye is like saying hello, except this time it's so much harder. Hard to not jump into your arms and scream, and ask you why you hate me.
why do you hate me? why do you do this to me?
why me? There is nothing left to break,
There is nothing left to brusie.
I am scars, and wounds. I am made of lies and deception.
I've learned to accept no one.
I've learned to hate it all.

I didn't teach myself these things,
It's you that gave me this flaw.

Lemonheads

2007-06-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

Behind your eyes is a vast and rather empty space.
This space should be occupied by your brain.
But that's just not there anymore.

You're ears wish they could hear, but they just keep it simple.
It's back to school all over again.
And I'm pushing back the squares that keep me alive.
They keep me high and on the edge.
Feel it through your veins, and stop your lies.
But you can't. And you won't. Dirty son of a bitch.

Why don't you run? Why the fuck don't you run motherfucker?!
Turn the page mother fucker. I said turn.
The next page. Why would you fuck around with the next page?

Oh, there yah go. It wasn't too hard now was it?
Oh yeah man. You are beyond what I thought.
You said you were right. But I can't let it go that you are damn wrong. All over. All over. Tooooo soooon. Change. Too soon to change. All over. I hope it's over soon.
Change me. Taste me. Change it all.
Save the universe.
I see you everywhere, and it doesn't change a thing...

I'm gonna turn you around and throw you on your back.
Pull out the big guns and make you pay.
Make you pay with your blood on the pavement.
Bitch, don't you wish you never came around.
I'll make you wish you never came around while I crush your body into the cracks of the sidewalk, I'm gonna make you burn. Make you sweat,
Make you see that you're a fucking peice of shit.

I'm gonna make you scream for mercy.
Make you bleed out of control.

I don't...

2007-06-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

I don't feel or care or want,
for anything,
for anyone.

I'm alone and I've learned to love it.
Alone and penetrating the inside.
The inside of your bones.
The inside of the classroom, throwing needles,
and casting lines.
Wishing for the worst to come.
And laughing when it's denied.

- - - - - -

Baby, I'm gonna tear you down.
Tear your heart down.
Tear your soul apart,
piece by piece.
Baby, I'm gonna destroy everything you got goin' for you. I'm gonna kill it all and bury it in your backyard.
Baby, I'm gonna rip your shirt off,
and throw it into the dirt.
And oh baby, I just gotta feel myself fall into you.
Fall into your fist. And feel the blood rush down my face,
into my eyes. Across my body.
Cause baby, you know what I like.
I'm gonna make your pulse a little faster.
Cause baby, if you could see what you do to me.
If you could know, if I had the guts to tell you...
baby, I'd spill it all.

But I don't wanna. I don't gotta.
Remember those days that I still think of.
These thoughts are three years old.
And I can't lie, I don't feel like I used to.
I don't see like I used to.

Baby, you got nothing
Not like you did when I was fifteen.

Rage

2007-05-30T19:54:00.001-07:00

I just wanna stomp all over you. Break your face and break your insides. Make you wish you were never even born. You're nothing but what should have been lost. You're nothing to me. You're nothing to them. You're fucking useless.
I could strangle you limp,
and it would not phase me.
I just killed a man. But nothing can tame me.

Fucking peice of trash.
Don't question my authority.
I'll crush you in a second.
I'll mend you in a minute.
I'll destroy you anytime, anywhere.

I'll fucking tear you apart,
because nothing really matters in this world, we're all make beleive. Plastic and just mounds of artificial limbs climbing upon our own selfish, dead souls.

I swear I'll make you pay.

I need new air.

2007-05-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

If you cut through each day and divide up my heart into several pieces, you'll find that this life was meant to be more than what you thought. More than what you seem to know, can be found beyond my front door. Behind my lungs in the centre of my inside.
So careful, so sharp.
Falls upon you like glasss. Breaks open your mind only to find,
you know nothing. Baby, you got nothing.
You're a joke
You're just an empty canvas, screaming for life.
Breathing for nothing.
Waiting for the sun to pass behind the mountains and fall into oblivion. When all along it should have been you that tumbled into the underground, never to be seen again.
Never to be heard again.

Something inside this place can tell me how to get out.
Something isn't right.
But nothing seemed wrong.
Not at the moment.

But it's all a big lie that they keep locked up.
Sealed behind her lips.
Trapped beyond her teeth.
Soft and smooth. Rough and bitter.
You can have shotgun. You can take it all.
You're bound to find me, hiding in the forest, lost and running into trees.

You feared the pain would be agonizing, but honey that's the least of your worries, I promise. It should feel like a pinch, but become a mind numbing itch. I hope the tears stream down your face, and you gasp for air like a dying fish.
He's a dying breed, as you tend to soil them.
There could be more, but you kill them off.

I beleive that it's out of line,
when you say I should apologize.

sickness

2007-05-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm just one of a million.
Of a billion people.
So full of shit.
But hollow just the same.
A trillion diseases meeting too many people.
Reaching for life support.
Grabbing onto the horns of death.
Swinging on the rope of life.
Grasping onto my weak purple veins.
Laughing so loud you could swear,
that I was never even here. I never even existed.
Not until you came into the world.

I never want to fall in love.
It's just a cancer you hope to never have.

A burden that you know will ruin your heart.
Something that falls upon you, and crushes you,
like you've never been crushed before.
And it's like you've never been so lost before.
Up is down, and down is up.
Nothing makes sense, nothing, nothing.
I just want to breathe and to feel you.
I just want to hate you and tell you,
nothing could make me sick like you do.
Nothing could bring us down like you.

So pathetic and worn out.
Carefully handcrafted, just as we knew.
with bullets comin' out like you've never seen, and hundreds of blades whippin' your face. Trashing your ego and telling you straight up, this isn't what you were waiting for. It's what was coming all along. Crashing the tides like a party gone wrong, slaying the beast.
slaying the innocent.

Bruising the skulls of the narrow minded imbeciles.
Don't pity the fool.
Love the fool.
Then bash his fucking head in.

Everything is broken.

2007-05-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to forget.
I'm trying to erase it all.
Forget everything you told me.
Forget everything you showed me.
But this mindset I've been given,
Always takes me to the beginning.
And this guilt trip I've been put on,
Always gives me such a feeling.

I tried to forget you.
I almost think I did.
Lies can't cover up everything.
But they can always hide.

How can you say things like that?
How can you do things like that?
So careless and free,
Suavely manipulating me.
And everything you do, everything you say.
Cannot ever hurt me.
But make me want you more.
It's the bad that makes me love you.
It's the violence that makes me care.
It's the way you yell and scream.
It's the way you tell me I'm worthless.
That's what seems to get me on.

And it's the way you push me against the wall,
with your hands around my neck.
Telling me you hate me.
Telling me you don't care.
Hurting me, and changing me,
until I'm two dimensional across the floor.

-----
you're not worth that much, you're not that great. You're just my one and only. My one and only, yep that's you. It hurts to say it and it hurts to know. You're the blood pumping through my veins, and the warmth across my cheeks.
You're the fuckin uselss thing I call my "soul one". You see inside me, you can read me. See everything on my mind. I can't think about anything. You'll pull it all away. Throw it down and call it stupid, yet proceed to tell me I'm brilliant.

I cannot tame your hunger for blood.
Your hunger for flesh.
Your hunger for needs, that I call my duty.
My chore?
Your slave.

If you listen, you'll hear.
If you look, you'll see.
If you listen to me, if you see me..
Then maybe you can help me out of what I'm desperately trying to lose.
Because I want to be with you.

And I want your rope around my hands forever

bleeed outtta controlll

2007-05-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

I could tear myself apart. I could show you everything.
But I'd rather keep it to myself, where it means so much more.
Nothing needs to be said.
Nothing needs to be done.
Luckily, we can lie awake at night,
and feel this pain drain through our fingertips.
It's almost too easy to say goodbye.
And good riddance.
I thought you'd never leave..

Take me to a place where..
pain is pleasure
and pleasure is pain.

It's the simplicity of your mind that led me astray. To wake up in your arms was like every boring day. Too long of a day to say just one thing. But I can't let myself tell you more than what you paid for.
I won't pour out the contents of my heart across this cold, cement floor. I won't feel your hands slowly creep up the small of my back. I won't press myself against you and feel you breathe.

I simply just want to watch you choke.
To watch you burn.
To see you trip.
Trip all over it. All over your words,
all over your lies.
mangled and sore.
Abused and trapped.
Used and thrown away carelessly.

I was used and thrown away carelessly.

How does it feel to be the one left behind?

Just try and hold me back

2007-05-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

broken people.
broken places.
damaged goods,
and damaged faces.

Free at last. I can see at last.
I can be at last.
Breathe at last.
It's not the pain that makes us feel.
It's just reality that makes it real.
It's real.
It's real.
I'm real.

Slow me down, pick me up.
Tell me something good.

Nothing hurts when the air can't get through.
So choke me.
Take this all away.
Come on. Gimme a chance.

I'll make it worth your while.
-----
Testing testing, 1 2 3
I gotta write something that means more than what you can see. It's gotta plow through the thick atmosphere that seems to cloud your mind. I gotta get through the fog to make you see, that it's me you should be thinking about. It's me you should be worrying about.
Cuz you don't know when I might dissapear.

I wish..that this could all dissolve
mean nothing, mean something.
But everything is beautiful when you..
you come into the room. You tear down my barriers.
Meant to shield me from the very thing I fear,
the only thing I want to taste on my tongue.
The curiosity only builds up in my thoughts,
and they are coming to get what they want. These men, they're dangerous.
They read your mind. They hear your soul.
They came along with nothing better to do. They just pull you away.
Come back. Come back.
I need you to think of me. So I can remember.
What it's like to be whole.
What it's like to have feelings.
And not to be hollow like I am now.
Hollow and selfish. Hollow and such a bore.
Hollow with no feelings, and no heart that you can ignore.

what do I get?

2007-05-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

You don't even know what you got.
It's something so right.
It's something so wrong.
But when I feel it come together, I can't help myself.
I gotta taste you.
And when I feel us come together, I can't help myself.
I'm gonna waste you.

---
And when I see us drowning hopelessly, I can't help but blame myself.
Fucking judgmental pieces of trash.
Babbling on about their life tragedy.
And here's the saddest part...
--- They get anything and everything.
--Whatever the fuck they want.
-And they kill themselves with deadly habits.
But these habits, feel so good.

You're my habit.
You feel so good.

Ignorant people can do anything.
They can travel the world and not notice what they're seeing.
They can say "I love you" but have no recollection of why.
They can spend their time on power trips.
Indulging till they drop dead.

Congratulations.
You just overdosed on lies.

they fed 'em, you swallowed.
politely asking, why?
they smashed you.
you followed,
by taking another bite.

They're gonna have to shove those words down my throat to get me to listen. But I can bite back with teeth I got, yah know they haven't taken 'em yet.
Just my soul.
Just my mind.
Just my sight.
Just my heart.

Baby, you don't know what you got

120 degree angles.

2007-05-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

You're a fucking wreck.
When was the last time you saw the sun?
When was the last time you combed your hair?
You're a fucking waste.
A waste of skin. A waste of air. A waste of space on this planet we hate to call home. Cuz we're killing it. We're raping it. We're feeding it a slow, painful death.
When did this happen? When did this shiiiit go down?
Way to inform me, when you know I would of laughed. I would of smiled a little and said, "Ya know you aren't worth a penny in my books."

you're so empty. you're so worthless.
so empty and beautiful.
And I love it like that.
I love you like that.
Just empty and blank.
Just bottomless and beautiful.
Never ending and lovely.
But so empty---

looook at this kiiiid.
Strutting his shit. Flashing his bling.
Thinking he's ballin' er some shit yah know?

Now you're talking about getting famous, oh man you're gonna be wild. you're gonna get so big that your head might explode. But the people, they'll love every piece of you. They'll tell you that they are your biggest fan. But who are you gonna believe?

Are you gonna believe me when I tell you the truth?
Nothing but the truth.
And let me tell ya,
the truth fuckin' hurts.

Your heart's gonna pump right up with your ego.
Your soul's gonna burst into flames.
----

----
I lie to save myself.
I lie to save my friends.
I lie to keep you waiting.
I lie to keep you hanging.

I lie because you're too stupid to notice that I fucking care.

my bones are all ice

2007-05-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

you kind of make me nervous.
I'm scared of what I hardly know.
You'd think I'd dive right into something. Cause most days I do.
But this day is different.
I can't jump into you.

I threw you the obvious. Just a little bit.
It's disappointing.
Completely unaware.
But who knows anything. Who knows nothing.
I know too much of what I don't need to know.
What I don't want to know.
But you never see me.
And I never see you.

I still love that look on your face...
it's like...
.

blank.
come on baby. come on. don't pull away. don't tell me to stop. I'll do anything for you.
I'll kill anything for you.

I just want it. I just want you.
I just want you with me.
I just need you with me.

ochenta y nueve

2007-05-08T14:17:00.001-07:00

I haven't observed such nonsensical material in quite some time. I guess it's been months since anyone told me what goes on, in the mind of someone like you. I happened to forget what you were about. I happen to disapprove of who you are now. Although I happened to once love it.
Into the shadows we go.
Never ending dreams, and I can't quite get pulled from this nightmare. I can't quite escape what I nurture. What kills me. What feeds me. What loves me. What hurts me day by day.
Inch by inch.
minute by minute.
---

Obscured by the rain, by the fog.
By the words that fly around you.

I just want to go home, to lay down in my bedroom. To sit in the lonely dark.
To think about how I'm going to save the world.

And when these walls fall down, and I can finally see you. When I can finally feel you. That will be the day. That will be the day...

Bracket, exclamation point, question mark, parenthesis, asterisk, bracket.
uno
dos
tres

Ready, set
Go.
Dive in me.

tasty

2007-05-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

eyes across the wall.
staring deep into your soul.
creeping upon the sunken smiles.
the shallow holes and electric wires.

keeping on the same old track, and then you can't look back.
since the one survivor is starving.
he'll scrape your mind, he'll eat your smack.
he'll take it in like nothing.
he'll swallow with a smile.
he'll rub it as it goes down,
he'll push it to the ground.

letting go never felt so good, don't ya think so sir?
don't ya want to hold her as the ship slowly sails away?
don't ya want to grasp this moment,
forever and a half.

Mmmm, electric kisses are the ones I crave.
Mmmm, lightning like smiles are what I save.

Comin' up up up up UP

Up through the wall, through the dirt, through the worm holes we never thought they'd find. But the earth can't hold on forever, and the hills are starting to grow. Swelling up with pride, and the ants spew over. they are taking over. OVER! It's over. And then they came, they grew giant arms and legs. They crushed us like we crushed them.

It crushed you like you crushed me.

spend all your time waiting.

2007-04-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

what? what? what? what?

--------------
is real?

Unaware of the possibility. Thrilling at the mere thought that we could..
we should..
without a doubt..
fly away from this place with coral draped upon our golden shoulders. Raising our fists to the one who need not to fear us, but them self for what they bring upon the world.
No no no no. WAY>>>>OUT>>>>

exit blocked. doomed f'real. bout to die. shit outtaaa luuuck motha fucka
======
exit barricaded. doomed for certain. out of luck for today, dear sir.

"The easiest way out", she said while staring up at the clock. "Would be to simply ignore the past, present and future altogether."
He stared blankly at her as if she had asked him to just jump off the edge, to let go of everything he ever loved.

This includes you.

Take me to the eddggeeeee

2007-04-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

It's because I have nothing better to do.
We're all blind and medicated.
We're all dumb and over dramatic.

With too much time on our hands.

You're the same song, repeating in my head. When I see it's over. such a strange commotion, breathing, beating, for unsure reasons.. that's what they said all along.
For that song you sang. I'd give it all.
I'd give it all.
All for you to come around.
To see this life sprout within me. What you hope is very dead.
Casually slipping away.
Casually breaking hearts, and guitars.
Snapping strings, pulling wires that lead to my soul and end at my toes.
Fluttering, waxing out the times we shared.
The times you gave a fuck.
sleeeeeepppp waaalllkkinggggg.
in and out of the corridor. screaming so loud you could swear that death had painted it's very name on our front doorstep.
I miss you.
But I hate you.
But I love you.
But I screwed it all up.
But you made me.
But I was too drunk to notice
to notice that you cared.
To notice you cared when I drunkenly stumbled away,
thinking to myself, here we go..a good time.
when my good time was right behind me sitting by the fire.

I'm such a prick. Such a loser. Such a mistake.
Yet his hair in my face, and the dirt on my knees made me feel none of this.
And there I lay. Barely breathing. Waiting for it to end.
Who cares what's next, just do it. Just tell me.
Just say to me. Through this heavy breathing among the silence of it all.
Tell me.
Say to me.
Roll the windows up. Put your seatbelt on. Keep your hands together.
Love me

Drop.
Down.
Put em d o w n.
Don't j u d g e my CR I TI Q U E
and critical questions.

Who cares what they say.
Who cares what they saw.
I know what I felt.
So fuck them all.

I loved you first

2007-04-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

I finally erased your number from my cell phone directory.
Not that it really makes a difference, even if it did make me smile inside. It still can't hide my frown outside.
I still can't think straight as you walk by.
My hands become shaky,
my mind becomes weak
my knees are jelly.
my heart is at it's breaking point.

I can't get over anything.
Every little thing I pick apart.
I sabotage myself.
I sabotage everything I have.
Everyone who cares the least bit about me I throw away, disregarding their feelings, their mind, their thoughts, their helplessness.
Compare them to something I no longer have,
throw them away when they can't quite smile like you do.
Can't quite speak like you do.
can't quite breathe like you do.
can't quite walk like you do.
can't quite love like you do.

Even if it really is good.
it's still not you.
it's still missing.

It's still empty.
You've ruined my capability to love.
To grow. To enjoy. To laugh. To smile.
To see you and not feel my heart break.

----

Walking across the way she meets him, her hair up and messy on her head, and he sits on his bike staring across at her, waiting for her. smiling and getting antsy. As she gets near he leans in and whispers something in her ear, and she grasps his shoulder as if what he said could make her dizzy. And they kiss. they kiss. they kiss. they melt into eachother. Undeniably in lust.

Talk show host

2007-03-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

Even though he said spring would come early,
the snow still comes by the kilogram.
Ice and chills. Feverish thrills.
Skin touching the walls, and brushing up against you.
I saw you, I heard you. I can't quite get over it.
And I think you know.
I can tell by the look in your eyes,
and I'm such a girl when I look away.
Even when you want me to see you staring.

"You want me? Fucking come on and find me"
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I need to stop this nonsense. It's only causing me trouble. When I try to focus on the real world, there you are again. Telling me you need it. Telling me everything. It's only a dream. It's only a dream. I'm not ready for this dream.
Not anymore.

Stop it! It's crazy!
You don't even know you're name.
You'd probably sell your soul for a dime.
Counting on me was the last thing you should have done. Don't expect me to be there the next day. Don't expect me to tell you I'm sorry. Monday came too late. You came too late. Put your head down now, you have someone new now. Doesn't she mean anything? Like I meant anything. Something. They don't give a fuck about you.
And I don't give a fuck about you.
And I'm not sorry for saying this one bit.

Even when I see you I laugh to myself,
and see you looking my way out the corner of my eye. I've moved on.
And I think you should too.

you don't make it right

2007-02-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

crushed by conformity, and on the edge about to lose all self control. These people can't be real, but they can see into your soul.
Just once I'd like to say that you were a good person.
But I can't push myself to lie.
And she can't push herself away from the monster you are. It's a trainwreck you can't stop looking at. It makes you wonder, it makes you think.
You make me think, "what did I do wrong?"

they aren't your friends.
they aren't your foes.
They don't care who you are.
Where you've been
or where you're going.

It's all a big sham.
They've got you. they've got your money.
St. Valentine has got your money.
He's got your soul.
He's got your heart.
And he's not giving it back for the world.
Because you won't give me mine.

2007-02-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

When they ask you what it means do you say, "It wasn't me, Shakespeare did it!"
Oh please, like he would even look at you in the eye,
like the words through Bernard Shaw's mouth would mean a thing to your meaningless brain full of lard and inadequate proportions.
It's just not the same when the doors says out but you just want to step inside. You just want to go in and let yourself warm up from this crisp winter.
Laugh away sir, but you'll never know if you won't let me tell you.
you must be terrified of the answer.
It's not so difficult once you lets the words slip out.
into the open.
I wish you never left.
I wish we could still sit on that bench together, in the dark, in the late night. and when I know I should go home I just keep trying to pry into your thoughts. I just keep going further into you. you make me so curious, and the summer nights never got better when you're by my side.
Call me crazy but you're the only boy I ever considered thoughtful.
Although you did nearly nothing, your words meant so much.

Okay, they are coming for you.
I'd tell you I love you but I just wouldn't mean it.
I'll never mean it.

not until you spraypaint your thoughts onto that empty canvas.
Just like I told you to.
and even when you refuse I push.

Come on, just do it. No one will ever know. It's practically morning.

I miss April.
and springing into you.

All your mental armor drags me down

2007-01-20T17:28:00.000-08:00

Nothing hurts when you can't breathe.
Nothing matters when you're around.
Nothing feels more surreal.
Nothing feels painful when I can see you.
I could use one myself.

Missing women and children.
We will never find our way out of this town.
but you gave me this, made me this.

You've broken me.
And in the words of Gavin, "all your mental armor drags me down."
mouth
mouth
mouth.
your mouth. mouth mouth.

It's nothing but a moth. A white flying thing.
It wails like a lost soul. A lost soul..

Fool times 10

2007-01-11T15:45:00.000-08:00

Please be careful, as this evidence is quite fragile.
Yet you choose these strangers over someone close.
Tight lipped and sequined like a neverending crisis.
No need to take it out on the floor.
Or the walls.
Or the people you call important.

I cannot see what is ahead, I suppose it doesn't matter much. Since all we do is live for gold, and saving ourselves only causes greif. Pursuing nothing you call a dream.
Blonde for blonde.
Happy and sad.
I don't care much for her, but whatever makes you happy.
Because to you it's all that matters. You.
It was 30. It was 20. It was 10.
Years, months, weeks, and days.
All jumbled up in the last hour.
To the burning question.
To the last minute.
The flaming answer.
To the last second.
And you're gone without a warning.

It all came and went so fast, we're not too lucky, we don't have that state of mind. We don't have that peace of mind, and leftover material can make up a sweater, to keep your heart warm, to keep it from turning blue and black. As it's all that you have become.

They don't know what they're tlking about!
But everything they said reflects how they want to shove it back down eachothers throats. Oh, right. It's not wether you win or lose.

It's that you lost, and you're sad.
So you'll cry until I come home.

Oh boy, you're gonna be crying for a long time.

How do I put this nicely?

2007-01-10T17:38:00.000-08:00

oh right, I can't.

You CREEP me out!

I think we're in Brooklyn

2007-01-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

When you tell me it's over, I merely laugh in your face, as this will never die. And the world keeps turning as if it's alright, but we know it soon will stop. As the cars are running, the walls are melting, the people are feeling, the animals are dying.
But the air can barely breathe.
How else can you get there? How else can you survive.
In 300 days you will find yourself, and the next 85 will be lost.

Well maintained, and constructed to perfection. Hardly able to contain myself, and my mind isn't thinking quite straight any longer. You know it's a bad idea.
But how would I know that? In reasonable relationships. The people can look one another in the eyes and let the words pour out.
You are just a hallmark gretting card.
I never expected to get in the mail.

she's not that great is she? she can't make you that happy can she? You can't be that infatuated can you? you can't be that much of a fucking loser can you?
I just discovered you can.
You are.
I win.

All over again. Why do I feel so alone all of the sudden?
I just WON!
And I still feel empty. Because no gold medal or gold star could ever make me smile like you did.

Take him back to the ward.

2007-01-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

Downtown never felt so alive
with the drunken slobs
and the screaming wives.
You know I imagined greater things here
But it's just another dream

If I could rip the stars away I'd put them in your eyes.
But this place filled with men who are asking for another
and the children are at home,
waiting for their father.
But it's just another empty day.

And when the tires screamed and the light went red
he didn't stop and he left her for dead
Went on for miles,
never looked back.
And barely looked ahead.

He wasn't sobre enough to pull over.

Polls lay across roads, wires sparking all around.
And the tears in his soul,
poured onto the ground.

It was only 5 o'clock.

Flowers across the doors and pavement.
And love letters speaking of what she meant to an old man.
How can he be sorry.
when he doesn't know his own name?

you are a fool

2007-01-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

I said it. walk into the room.
Look at me. Tell me.
I'm the one for him. You're the one for her.
This fate, it's unreal.
It's fate.

don't deny yourself.
And don't let me, let you down.
It only makes things worse as these long days grow longer. as my hours are counted down to my departure. And the sun..it shines like you wouldn't ever believe.

But words weren't ever good enough. I don't care much.
I just need you to.
It's not all comprehendable. Understandable.
It's just nothing. Let it go, as I don't want to talk about it anymore. But it was never physical. okay, so I'm lying. but it's only natural, and I can't help it when your arms are around me and I feel safer than I have ever felt. And I feel more than I want to.
It's only our bodies touching. Our toungues colliding.
But nothing past that could make me want you.

Except when you smile.
Except when you laugh.
Except when you talk.
Except when you call.
Except when you look at me with that look in your eyes,
and I really wish I could start over.

collections.

2006-12-28T19:23:00.000-08:00

If words couldn't save you. Well, you'd be long gone.
If I just poured out my soul. My heart. It wouldn't mean a thing.
Because I don't make sense at all, right?
I am just another puzzling girl. One of many?
Yeah..right.

I was the one girl who tried, as they all seem to give in after a week.
You're words make little to no sense at all..
until you look beyond that. Look through it.
Look through you.
Which isn't as hard as some may think.
You're so simple now that I've figured you out.

In these ending days. In these months of happiness and anger, vicoiusly tearing apart my insides, from the seams and into the beatuifully handcrafted patchwork on the left knee. Just as I notice your smile is gone, I realize that so is mine. I realize you suck the life right out of me and drown it in a pool of darkness and sorrow.
I'm not that upset when it all comes down to it.
If I come off like I care, think again.
And when I say hello, I am merely trying to be kind.
As human nature isn't always.
I don't have to be kind anymore.

I'll pretend these eyes aren't so sad.
Because you can always laugh it off and tell me that I, am just an emotional wreck.
But who's fault is that?
Surely, not mine. But you don't have to know it's yours.
We can pretend, and shake it off.
And you can act like nothing awkward ever happened.
We can sit here, and look at one another, just wishing someone would say something.
Anyone but us.
Anyone but him.
Anyone but her.
I just hope you'll grow up one day to make someone happy.
Even if it can't be me. I can still know I helped to mould you.
The thrill of it all was flushed away when you became old, and boring.
When your walls came down, and the real you wasn't all too exciting.

I came here to collect what's mine and to give back what's yours.
So sorry this couldn't be dealt with in an easier way.
So sorry this goodbye was on such bad terms.

I would give a night's length to give a fuck

2006-12-21T19:06:00.000-08:00

I don't need this new hip shit.
I don't want this fucking fashion statement written across my forehead.
Maybe all of this tension has been built up to burst.
And to exhale, oh, to exhale.

I don't need your fucking excuses, and you're avoiding me.
Be a man. Look at me when you're talking.
Right in my eyes. Right in these eyes.

I don't need this realization.
This passtime you think we can share.
We share nothing. Nothing but this air we breathe.
There's something but I don't even care.
And it's the words I wanted to say, that kept me away.

I think too much for someone to think I'm normal
24/7 I'm all about it, all around it.
I don't care, it's my life.
And I don't want it. I don't need it.
FAR! what?

Drive. Far, and we can love eachother forever.
um, when?

You think it's all a fantasy, and you're right. Nothing is real. This isn't love. This is sex. This isn't caring, this is wanting and doing what you can to get it. To get it.
oh you fucking wish.

So don't look.
ahhh I can't even describe my feelings through millions of words.
This isn't happening. This isn't happening.
Maybe this is mostly caused by the loud music in my head and all around.
Too much alcohol. Too much love. Too much love from consumption of alcohol.

I am far beyond done.
Stars, crumbling, crumbling.
Why are you fuckin...here.
Lie to this. and I'm so sick, sick with this.
The rising skies, and I can see it falling.
These flies, they call.
1249583495898 times a day.

How cruel my thoughts could be.
But how kind my words are.

Nothing.

2006-12-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just need to dissapear.
But if I did that, then maybe I'd seem scared.
Petrified.
I don't want to give the wrong impression, now do I?

We can climb up the walls.
Climp into the atmosphere.
We can go into outer space.
Hopefully not disintegrate.

Kiss me. kiss me. kiss me.

These are the symptoms of teenage heartbreak.
Highschool's outbreak, don't pity the man.
Love the man.
Pity the world for bringing it upon itself.
You have to fix it. Nuts and bolts won't do justice.
Luck is just a state of mind.

Reason with me. Tell me I'm not going crazy. That everything I want needs to be more than what I need to feel. To see. To breathe. And kissing the sky never felt so good, or tasted so sweet. But nothing can compare.
And it's all in the eyes of..what?
what am I saying?
I can't even tell you the truth.
I can't even let you know. Know what..
I'm all about.
It's not you, it's him. I can't help it. His smile is so nice.

----
I really hope you make it out okay.

I'll show them, all of them

2006-11-25T18:15:00.001-08:00

I'll show you that I am made of something more than these limbs of weak and brittle fibre, that crack at the thought of something like a heartbreak.
A meltdown. Right there, how embarassing.
A mental breakdown.
And my heart is so weak that when I think of you and the memories I can't help feel a tear behind my eyes. It can't be this bad can it?
This can't be all we have?
One life in the world.
Or can we leave this body and find something new.
Refreshing.
This is only our shell, and we have to leave it eventually.
To haunt those we care about.
Our family.
Our friends.
We will open the door for them, be their sheild when they run that red light.
The barrier between you and me is heaven,
and the stars are rather thick.
Too much to cut through, to reach you.

Remember when you took me to the game?
Go sting go!
Remember when we watched catwoman, the surround sound so loud that the house was vibrating, keeping everyone awake.
Remember when you would pick me and not let me go until I told you that you were my favourite cousin.
Remember at the family reunion taking us to wendys, and seeing the prostitutes as we got deeper into the downtown.

I remember. I could go on for pages.
But I don't need to do that to myself.

It's hard to see you lying there, defenceless and no longer breathing,
when you could pick me up and throw me around like it was nothing just last week.

I never saw this coming.

I wish I was dreaming.

2006-11-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

And I guess this shouldn't have happened.
It should have never came along.
And awoke me so late at night.
Made me unable to close my eyes.
And it's not like I could have warned you.
Told you, don't leave.
I guess when I thought of you a couple of weeks ago, I should have done something more than to shrug it off and think I would see you at Christmas.

Because I won't.

I swear it was a dream, wasn't it?
I kept pinching myself, but the voice on the line was clearly real.
And clearly telling me it wasn't good.
I want to be dreaming.
When will I wake up?

I'm just going to sit here and wish for it to be normal again.
Nothing is normal in this life anymore.
A new tragedy every week.
Just what we don't deserve.
How do I say goodbye? I hadn't said hello in months.
But you just were always just around the corner.

Maybe I've learned not to hold off.
I'll miss you more than you could know.
And lastnight changed my life.

-----------
------------------------
-----------------------------------
------------------------
-----------

Saturday morning was like the rest.
Except you. You speaking.
And me sitting in front of the screen almost terrified at the thought.
and lost in too much to think straight
to say the right words.
to say the right things.
Because I can't.

And you drive,
you drive me around.
with my seatbelt on backwards.
It's not even that romantic, and it never really was.
It's just..
I could say I miss those good old days but I'd be lying to myself.
I don't miss those days I just miss you.

But the person I miss doesn't exist anymore.

He's gone onto become someone new.
So I've moved onto someone new.
I hope you still think of me when you're old and graying.

i can't even remember

2006-11-17T00:37:00.000-08:00

what's normal anyway.
what's sobre and high,
sobre and drunk
what if we are somewhere else.
when we take the drug we really become sobre,
and we are high our entire life.
Everything is inside out.

we're living on a high
and we're always awake.

what if we were in a shoebox.
and everyone can see in, looking at us.
we can invite them..
And there are polka dots on the walls.
worms coming from the corners. sometimes when you see these it makes funnny noises. and the smells
it smells like rum and soap.
rum and soap.

we are just batteries.
and we need a recharge.
when we get tired from school, work, everything.

But I could be anything
sad or nervous.
happy or angry.

but one emotion could be another.
who makes it up?

Where does this all come from?
these words. and these emotions we're told to feel. I could say I'm happy but it really could be sad, and maybe it's just that I am imaginary.
It's not even real and neither are the walls in front of us.

what even makes us who we are. style?
I can't answer anything.
bed would be nice.

An ending would be nice.

maybe someday.

2006-11-11T08:34:00.002-08:00

And your enemies are:
your hair, because it just can't seem to be straight.
your mom, because she just can't seem to trust.
your friends, because you have to keep them close.
your world, because there are never enough bullets to make it go away.

It's not that you built a pedastal and put what you wanted on the top. You just need to grow a few inches and you can get what you wanted all along.
I can get what I wanted all along.
and be what I need to be, which isn 't what I am.
A sister, a daughter, a person that cannot help but lack self respect.

call it what you want;
but I call it making yourself the enemy.
An enemy to yourself, and the person you see in the mirror is the one you want to dissapear the most.
If I could crush these dreams..
than maybe it wouldn't hurt like this.

I could embrace this, but I'll push it away.
The blood stains on the carpet can't come out.
I'm scarred with the thought of being hesitant.
Because it should just get done, be over with.

And I'll wake up on day with the dagger in my hand, not yours.
And I'll wake up one day and you won't be able to walk down the hall and make me feel like this anymore.

sup baby

2006-11-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

you should love me
cause I can't seem to love myself.
what darling?
you act like you ain't never seen a girl before.
get closer. come on, a bit closer.

sup baby, you should just give me something to have,
and I know I'm deceiving you
with these blue eyes and a smile I throw on.
It's a show baby, you're the victim.
you're the buyer.

I just hope I can sell it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
and we don't care. they don't care.
come on, do you really think I liked you?
When you came along we laughed
because look how fake you are.
Plastic, you could say. At least..
that's what you wanna be.

Stupid, and bubbly. With a new guy every night. Dying to lose it but no one wants you. Dying to have it and conforming to be it. You're nothing. And when you say you hate me I just smile and be happy. Because I don't care. Maybe if I considered you to be a person and not a plastic wannabe, I would care.

But she's just giving it away like it's never gonna get her sick.
Like she's never gonna get unlucky, and get something...
she never expected for awhile..

Fingers out. Palms away. HA. I just want to tell you, I just gotta thank you. For making me realize that..
I love who I am.
I love who I've become.
I love how I act.
I love all my friends.
And I love being Mell. Me. Not you.
Not like those girls. Like YOU.

I don't need it.
But apparently, you do.

all we have is,

2006-11-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

dead and not breathing.
Unscrewing yourself from the ceiling.
Telling you that this dream isn't over, until..
the fog can be lifted from the ground.
When the weight of the world is no longer rested upon your shoulders.
We will realize that all of this is dead.
All of this has stopped. And it isn't so great anymore.

hm, you know he never really had a word that kept me hanging. it was more of a look, dear son. He wasn't so handsome until he had me in his eyes, and the words that he could tell me were more beautiful than the rest. until;
gunsots
bang
crash
it's never enough.
it's running from you now.

well I guess you could say he had me under his thumb, and when he said jump I asked how high. Pathetic, really. How much money in the world could make you feel whole? Millions, billions. trillions. Because that smile could be enough. To make me whole. until;
red lights flashing
police running

it wasn't supposed to end like this, it wasn't supposed to be so tragic. The lives weren't missed as much as the thought of how they could have survived, such a sad love story. Unravelling into something we knew could come about.
even if it was so unreal.

I never knew that my heart could break into that many peices.

collapse

2006-10-29T07:20:00.000-08:00

well if this was a waste so is the skin you're in.
And the lies you buried in a shallow grave aren't going to stay hidden forever. It won't take too long to find it all again.
Facing you, staring you down.
Where did you go wrong?
What was the way? did you make a wrong turn?

It's going to find you

It's going to find your family

It's going to take it all away with a snap of it's fingers
you can't get away now, and i'm sorry.
I guess. I mean, I don't want to hurt you.
But no one wants to hurt anyone, really.
It just happens. without warning.
Warnings are nice.

And the lies you once buried are resurfacing.
But I'm not sorry.

I met a boy

2006-10-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

You are crawling to the edge of reason, so save your inspiration for a rainy day. Save it for when you are really going to need it. When you're brain is bursting at the thought of never living again and selling out into a world of conformity.
How empty do you feel now? How worthless do you feel now that you are just like the rest of them. So tough and macho with all you got, which means nothing in my books. You're selling all you've ever made and all you have to make yourself feel good. You're buying friends, and purchasing a new life you can run into and build. Build into a fake feeling.
All I ever felt wasn't real, and I never wanted you to see it. I wanted you to feel it. But this world isn't big enough for the both of us, and I'm alomst on the front page, ready to blow your whole mind apart, and scatter it into the universe. Across the stars and through constellations, past the moon and around the milky way.
This is a substance that made you perfect in the eyes of everyone but yourself. This is the potion that ruined you, and I've seen enough to know the dangers you bring upon yourself. I've seen enough to understand that you, my boy, are not going to get much further.
You aren't going to live like the rest of us, you're not going to smile like the rest of us. It's going to suck you down into the ground, and hold you there until you decide what's right. Until you know that this mask you used to hide yourself can be torn away by the single person who cares.
It can't be that easy, to just rip it away and say you are okay.
It's not what you make of it anymore. It's not how you see it anymore. It's all about your image and how to make a record. It's all about your hair and how you're going to make a million.
And I'll do what they did to him, and I'll show you what it does to your mind, what it does to your soul. how it rips you away from everything you felt before.
I hope you know how to swim, because you're going to fall off this ship and have to find your way to shore. Out of the fire and into the cold. But I need this to take me home.
This can give you some peace, it'll make you feel better even though you are tied to a life you'll never escape. you gave in and now you lost. you owe more than you'll ever make.
It's another angle that I can see it from, and my sanity is slipping from my grasp, I can't get it right, it can't stay in my palm. so, you do know how to swim?
Because this water isn't coming from nowhere. This water isn't going to stop anytime soon. The flood is coming so I hope you are ready. Ready to swim for your life, ready to drown in you sorrows and leave it all behind. It's whispering in your ear as the ocean pours into your front door. Telling you to do it, it won't be hard, it will be quick, painless. Just do it.
Just let it all out before the water invades your lungs.
We just need this right now to pass the time. so kill her right now to pass some time. You can let her sleep forever in her watery grave. would she rather drown?
you are just a liar, aren't you.
You say you can do it.
You say you can feel it.
But I don't trust a word that comes out of you mouth.

Let's start over

we're not real

2006-10-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

not anymore at least.
not today and not tomorrow.
not for now and not forever .

it's not yesterday.
it's now, so jump into the time we're livin' in.
jump into what you fell the need to call real.
it's more than reality when it's fantasy and it's more than fantasy when it's hell.

Throw a disaster at me, because I can't handle it.
That's what you do, cheap shot me.
It's like, kicking a man when hes down.
but you like to see them go down, it makes you feel so much better. so much bigger. Is that how you want to feel?

You can see the stockmarkets are crashing, the business men are jumping off the bridges and buildings, the sun is getting closer and now I notice cracks in the earth. It's getting hotter, I'm blown away. It's not real, but the earth is going down. the earth is going dooowwwn.

you lie.
you can't exactly tell me. you can't exactly show me.

But nothing in this world can make you feel better.
Except when she says she misses you

look what you're buying into.

2006-10-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

I think that they've told you a million times before.
you can handle it, but you're a fiend.
and when it's time to stop you still haven't had enough.
We aren't bothering you, are we? We don't really mean to I suppose.
But they're not on the run, they're not going overboard.
Only you are going overboard.
Pushing it to the egde. And the danger makes you happy, thrilled, beyond the point of return. And it's only enough when you're on the ground, when you're begging, when you're outta this world and heading to the other side. Into nothing but grey sky and 6 feet of soil above you.
;; This is increasing in ... this is so... you are creating..
problems. Difficulties. Bitterness.
but why should you care? it's not you, it's not me.
It's no one. You're no one.
Locked in this cage we hate to call home.But it's more than that. It's more than hate. It's how we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, trying not to break it..trying not to break ourselves.
It's not that easy. It's never that easy.
And it only gets easy when your heart stops pumping.
When you brain stops thinking.
When your body stops feeling.
When your soul stops living.
That's when this all dissapears and I stop reminding myself..when I stop torturing myself. When these thoughts pouring through my mind can just stop and end, when they can just not be here and you can't be felt.
Because I feel you everyday.
Even if it's not mutual like it used to be.
Are you alright? You haven't been yourself for about several months.
Am I alright? Have I been myself today? Or even lately..

We're not going. We're not feeling. Something is on, and I need to go and turn it..off.
Maybe I just need to rethink everything and take a couple steps back.
A couple miles back.
I need to slow down and regain all that control I lost.
And I lost it when you took it all from me.

When you stole it all from me.

rawwrrrr

2006-10-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

Toxic. So evacuate.

Can we escape before it collapses?

Not likely.

Rejuvinate your life before you fall into the void.

now that i'm here in your skin.

2006-09-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

you're starting to deserve this.
I can't even lie anymore, you really need to calm down.
You really need to slow down when they tell you.
You really need to give me a little sympathy, because it's nothing more than you thought. But I don't even want it so just, stay away.
I don't need anything. I don't need this sympathy.
I can handle anything, but I can't handle you? I can't handle your intensity?
These words aren't so easy to say as they are to think about.
I hope you find whatever it is you really need. Whatever it is that will finally make you smile and lead you into happiness.
Somewhere over the rainbow there are clouds of ecstacy waiting for you to climb aboard, relaxing in a zen garden eating acid from god's palm.
You have no morals.
This is a violent pursuit. Dangerous.
You will never find true happiness, you left it here with me.
I can see you coming, I'll start running. I hate the way you care.
Stop lying, I hate the way you tell me, it's never really here.
My skin is crawling at the thought of you here.
And my fingers won't let me feel, touch.
Gravity is starting to hate me. Starting to pull me under the covers.
It's all a conspiracy and a secret.
The world can never know.

Locking up certificates that merely give away ones ideas. They weren't brilliant, but they weren't pointless either. Sometimes you need to be given a bit of time to think about how you are going to change your life.
Once in awhile you need to say you are sorry for the things you have done, and the problems you have caused.
Dear, - - - - -
you aren't there, and I'm sorry for your loss. We apologize for any inconvenience that this may have caused in your daily struggles and triumphs.

We can't always be right, we can't always be wrong.
But you, sir, are so blown out of proportion.
So rediculous, it's clearly lies. And we laugh as you tell your stories. you think the laughter is good but it's not. The giggles of knowing who you are behind your tattoos and peircings. The tough exterior you have thrown over yourself can be pushed away by a cop with a gun.

And this is all we have.
The chance to see, the chance to be, something you always wanted.
It's never real enough to taste.
It's not even how you feel on the outside that counts.
It's inside of you, it's the reality of moving forward into adulthood.
Away from childhood. The toys become business suits.
It's terrifying. It's unrealistic.
How can this be happening to me? To....me?

I'm wearing you on my heart. I'm not on fire anymore.
This is a tragic ending to sad story.
But tragic times become something more. Things become resolved.
As the snow melts.
====== ===== ===== ==== == =
Just, sometimes I need to be sure that you really feel the same way. That you aren't pushing me away from you when I just need to get closer. When your legs shift left with mine. Just hold my hand and tell me something good. Just whisper in my ear that we'll leave this place together, and we'll make it out alive. Look at me in my eyes and smile like you care, like you know what I'm saying when I say it. when I tell you, and when the world shatters behind my cold tongue. The lies can't be felt anymore. I'm safe.

They will wrap you inside the trunk, and take you away.
Take you away.

scareddd as heeellllllll

2006-09-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

chew your words and spit em out.
or swallow, whatever makes you feel literate.
whatever makes you uncomfortable.
I don't care if you're upside down, or sideways.
As long as it's you.
I don't care how it comes as long as it gets here soon.
Strangle yourself, you're so fed up with this world you call home.
you. me. millions of tiny people surrounding us.
millions of animals that I've never seen.
I hope you're not serious about this.
I hope you don't think you can just do this.
Walk in like you own the fucking place.
You barely own your fucking head, it's falling off your shoulders.
You can't even stand up straight.
This is a problem, and I don't agree with your sentences.
I don't agree with the way you place things on the counter.
You need to move that to the left. To the right.
you know, I have needs, and wants.
I have secrets, it's not important though.
you're not important though so what does it matter?
Broken, and shattered like nothing I've ever seen.
Open up your eyes and let it all consume you.

shut up and put your hands on the wheel.
Hands so tight your knuckles are white.
And you can feel it pressed against your temple.
Waiting to let go and blow you away into the other side.

Acid does that, makes you kinda crazy, makes you kinda insane.
Fucks you up, like, you don't know. You're gone man.
It's satan in your head telling you what to do.
Telling you..
kill them all.

Look at you, you're so lame man. you burnt out years ago.

decades ago.

we aren't happening

2006-09-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

If everything happens for a reason, then tell me what anyone does to deserve this.
If everything is meant to be..then I don't want to be this anymore.
You're not you anymore, but I'm still me.
If this is what you wanted then it's here.
Here for you to take
For the taking, withdraw.
Breathe just to feel.
Feel just to be.
You're no more real than the last thing I made up.
The last thing I saw taunting me.

what's the verdict?
What was the crime?

Renovate your life.
Because nothing is ever good enough.
Nothing is ever sweet enough.
Nothing is ever cool enough.

and you were never good enough.
They warned you, told you.
Held you down, tied you down.
Chained you to the ground.

It's too complicated when you are the centre of the circle, the centre of the universe. The middle of attention but only in the worst of ways. Clearly, it's clear. Crystal.

Maybe I like the fact that you don't like me.
Maybe I enjoy you whispering behind my back.
Like the fucking prick you are.
If you really hated me, you'd say it to my face.

Nothing really works that great for you anymore.
You broke it all.
It's been cut away and you can't get it back. Not now.
======
=======
========= Shove it bitch.
Cutting out your life. Cutting out what was reality but it's goneeeee.
Hey you, right there. Summer's over so you can get on with the real world.
Think of this moment. Think of right now. Think of everything you aren't.
My eyes burn, but you can't hear.

Save yourself. cut yourself. be what you wanna be.
Do what you wanna see.
Feel what you gotta be.
Make yourself happy by redecorating yourself to be "the shiznick."
Man, they think you're so awesome.

Wood. Burlap.
Battle stations. It's all around you. So try and push it away.
Keep it close to your mind, but far enough to be saved.

Make yourself, build yourself.
Be loved. Be hated.
Keep yourself full of confidence and watch me
Deflate.

I wanna see it all, I wanna know it all.

2006-09-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

I walk by just to remind myself.
I just need to know I'm still here.
I just want to deny myself.
it's not like it matters how it seems.

It matters how it is. how we feel. How we feel numb from the neck down.
Nothing is real unless I can't wake up.
It's real, because I'm not waking up.
No matter how hard I pinch myself I can't seem to breathe.
You can't seem to breathe.
Wake up. Wake up, please.
I just knew this was going to happen one day, and I can't expect you to be fine.
It's happening, and it's worse then before.
----------------------------------------------

I never cared about wallpaper, or how you part your hair.
I never cared about anything that was reality.
I can't handle reality without the sweet lie on top.
Answer. Question.
Ask me anything you can't know.
I won't tell, not now, not ever.
It's not for your mouth to hear.
It's not for your ears to taste.
I lost the date, I lost the time. I lost everything that I needed and gained what I tried to discard. It's all inside the radio, yelling at youm telling you to do something, telling you to get up man, you're fuckin useless.

I knew I was gonna do this. I knew you were gonna yell.
It's just rediculous man, it's just out there man.
shave your beard and lets goooo.
Lets get ouuttaaa hereeee
I'm fuckin outta my heeaaaddd.
It's fuckin everyywherreee
In the ceiling, crawling into cracks into the floor.
what will we do when the aliens come to suck out our lives maaaan.
we're gonna fuckin runnnn mannn.
to the hills maaaann.

Then they landed, on that building by the water,
they ARE that building by the water. Hovering over us all along.
It's like, surreal, it's like..not real.
fuckin eh. they underestimated me.
Those fuckin little men with their fuckin little hats.
With all the hate they could cram in both pockets.

With all the hate they could cram into their minds.

durrrrrrr eamming

2006-09-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

we're not here.
We're invisible to the eye.
Dreaming in a chain reaction.
Of lights. Lighting my way.
Invincible.
don't you wish you could withstand anything, everything.

But nobody knows you.
you. you. you.

Everyone realizes what YOU are.
Which could be nothing. Or just plain scum.

He, is different. Not like you. So different and I love every minute that I see him. So different, and I love how he can make me smile.
It's not like you didn't make me happy at the time I thought you were everything, I just didn't realize how much better it could be. How much more I could feel, without the pain part.

crawling through the milky way.
into blankets in my bed.
into something more then what you told me.
into a tunnel of dreams made of stars.
you can't blame yourself for what you did you can only blame your heart.
you can only blame your stupidity and the fact that you don't care.
I don't need this.
It's far too exhausting.
time consuming.
not worth it..
not worth anything.

Now that he's here I could ask for nothing more.

Contol.
is over rated.

So let youself gooooo..

welcome to the machine.

2006-09-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

This is a foolproof method.
It will win over everyone.

New and improved. 100% natural.
200% you.
It will cause an eruption. Earthquakes.
Rapture. Confidence decline.
Buy, Sell, Trade.
Come in and have a seat. Take a seat in my chair.
Stand up.
Stand up.
Quicker. and be quiet.

It will win over everyone.
it will make everything better.
It will cure all illness.
It will restore a blind mans sight.
An old mans youth.
It will save your soul.

I guess we never stopped to think about how much we lost.

I don't remember losing you.
But there's nothing like it.
Nowhere near it. Miles away.
Running down the ramp of a neverending song.

It's probably the best thing since sliced bread.
but since no one wants what we're selling we'll never really know. I guess. I know. Who does? It's over. you lost. I lost. No one wins in this game anymore.
It's not fun when you cheat to lose.

I've always wanted to tell you.
I've always wished my mouth wasn't so shy.
My eyes weren't so closed.
Why can't I just open them and let it out to the world.
Look into the world.

And then my brain went frozen.

My cat sleeps all day and runs around all night.
she likes to wake me at 3 am by sitting on my face.
I think she's nocturnal.

Peace like the middle east.
Oh the irony..

people don't want to see it

2006-09-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

capture the truth. in images.
people don't want to see it. frollicking among our eyes.
making it harder to see what is ahead.
maybe that's what it is.
The truth. covered in sweetness making it all that you want it to be.
A lie.

for every man. every woman.
for every mother. every father.
every son. every daughter.
every soul.

It dissapeared.
It's gone because we can't face it.
We can't look in the eyes of the beast and let it all unfold into more. Bigger. Outstanding. You have to call the number in your mind. you have to look into the mirror and pull into reverse.
We destroyed something so beautiful, so truthful
the world wasn't ready for something so harsh but real.
so real.. it's not.
so close.. it's not.

Wake up.
Smell the coffee, the roses.
Whatever.
Look up. say cheese.
smile.
frown.
whatever. right?
wrong?

First day. last chance.

Less security. Nothing holding you up.
you're lost.
inside nothing.
cobwebs in your head. climbing. staring.
right into the end.

do you feel so secure now that she's gone?
do you feel so loved now that she left?

she hates you. she left you.
she forgot you.

she forgot you.

how does it feel?
Tell me. even though I understand.
even though I don't really care.
and all the curiosity in the world couldn't get me near it.

good luck.

the atmospere is too thin

2006-08-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say it's real.
you can't see it can you?
Yet it's real.
You can't buy it for any ammount of money.
No matter how many millions you can offer. No matter how much you think it's worth. you could never really understand it's true worth. To someone else. To anyone else. Or yourself.
It's not like it can be auctioned off.
It doesn't really matter to anyone but the owner. No one can steal it. Why would you care to? Are you so desperate to know it that you'll take it away?
you can get it yourslef if you look hard enough.
It's free.
Nothing else is. but it is.

Nothing in life is really free.
It might not cost you money. But it will cost you something.
Maybe, your dignity.
self worth.
Your Image.
your soul.
your happiness.

Dna. Cells.
suspicious.

They saw it all so why not just call you out? Tell you something you don't wanna hear.
It's from last month. ages ago. years ago.

art. it's art. That's what they will tell you.
But what will I tell you?
what will I project from my mouth to your ears..and really, will you listen?
what will you listen to?
the good? The bad?
Do you seek the optimistic side of things?
Or do you only build yourself up to destory everything you were.
Destroy
Destroy
Destroy

Build your castle and destroy it with pleasure, with pain.
Guilt free is the way your concious should be.
after you tear her heart down and let her know what's really there.
that nothing is there but her fear of lonliness.

Destroy.

eeehhh forrreeaaalll

2006-08-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

you gotta go. go go go. away from me
you're such a hypocrite.
and you talk too loud.
slow down buddy. can you handle that?
can you handle anything? Or is it all too intense for you?
crazy
insane. up the wall and over the fence
right through the fuckin window.
over your head and onto my doorstep.
on the welcome mat.
you're not so welcome.
were you ever even there when you think I neeeded it the most.
when did you need it the most.
you're in over your head now.
you were always right on that line waiting to cross it. waiting for a signal that never came. it was never comin for ya anyway. it was going to leave you flat. you know, forget you existed.
it was going to steal your money.
and your dignity.
you're too quiet. speak up.
overanalyzing everything. you take it to heart.
and I don't even mean what I say
do you say what you mean?
do you say the right things?
I fuckin don't
whiskey. it's your best friend.
7 mm
steel.
war paint.
it's so incredibly frivolous to care.
so why do you?
climbing stairs, story after story.
reaching.
climbing.miles at a time.
the end is at your window. and i'm there waiting.

with rocks in my hands.

wanna leave this region

2006-08-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

stop.
collaborate and listen.
no. no. no. no.
it's not even enough. it's never enough.
until I see you. until I run into you,
literally.
I don't even know how hard you hit me, or how hard I hit you. but probably not too hard, right? you stopped caring ages ago. so why should I keep on going? why should I be the one to care? why do I keep on letting this happen?
you don't let it happen.
it slides off of you like you are waterproof.
or feeling proof.
you don't feel anything do you?
I wish you did.
but everything in this whole world isn't cool enough for you. it isn't good enough for you. that all includes me. I try hard to not care, but I know I always will. something inside me will never let it go. no matter how hard I want to let it go and watch it fall far away from me.
I want to keep it close enough so it will be there just in case.
that "just in case", it will never happen.
I secretly know that.
but then again, maybe I don't. how about you tell me? How about you suck it up and speak to me. I know what you are. I've seen your weaker side when I had you.
I've seen you so defenceless.
no walls.
no barriers.
no covers to sheild you.
just you
and it's beautiful.
I can't even deny it. Even if I tried.
When your walls came down around you and fell to the floor, I felt so happy.
It was only that moment and never again. I think I knew that.
But a part of me didn't care. As long as you were with me tonight.

so as my waves crash upon you
you ignore it
and that's fine.
as long as I know you felt it.
saw it.
heard it.
and knew it was me.
then really, there's nothing left.
My cup is full enough, and I should pour it out now down the drain.
it's too old to keep and treasure.

it's time for a glass of something new

keeeep telling yourself.

2006-08-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

it's not real. it's fantasy
make believe.
you can stop
and take my hand. take my hand. hold my hand.
let it go. fall back and let it go.
this place is outta control.
this place is disorienting.
trembling at the sight of it all.
in hopes you'll take her. break her
Destroy every last peice of evidence.
Come on and let her out.
the cage is small
so let her out.
let her out.
let her out.
It's open
open, wide. so let her out.
let her outttt!
Resolution of control. Contraption.
smell that smoke. every time.
hey captain. Captain.
sir. Sir
we caught you you're fake, you know more than you thought. you sold more than you're worth. so what now? In my mind I meant to go left. In reality I took a sharp right. I'm killing what I'm feeding. killing what I'm seeing. Turning to gold, to gold, to stone. Worthless.

Tequila!

you you you you you you you

2006-08-16T11:16:00.001-07:00

you know nothing that is relevant to me. you are garbage to the bin.
born to be an aging unhappy mess.
And as your wrinkles get deeper so does my love for hate.
they hate us all.
passionately.
my love for the wilting of my youth, and the sanity is dripping from my eyes through tears. Don't cry, it shows weakness, and then you are just like the rest.
weak like the rest.
we're here to battle, not to reminisce for old times sake.
Nor are we here to have a glass of wine. However nice it would be.
Don't laugh, it shows joy, and we don't need a reminder.
Don't do anything I would do.
so do nothing.
do everything.
so keep your motions swift.
steady. We don't want anything to get out of hand.

I think you enjoy being hurt.
and as they fool you, they think you're falling into a trap
but really
they are the ones being fooled.
sneaky, how smooth you really are.

Collapse.

Control your dreams to what you need to accomplish while you sleep.
you can live your life in dreams because we're too scared to open a real life.
Whatever comes our way can be destroyed so easliy as we beam up to another life form. another body. Look, in your dreams you're someone else.
you're strong. Unbeatable.
Undeniably handsome.

left handed wrenches. skyhooks.
Fluerescent lightbulbs and cereal.
climb up the walls and into the sky, you are 10 years old again.
you are the wildest of the wild.
you are the imagination of them.
you are too creative to be let outside.
you are just an ordinary boy.
with bigger ideas.

nobody will ever know.
so step it up and tell me something with more words.
more life. more more more.
you you you.
you're losing it.
get a fucking hold of yourself man.
have you not heard of self control?
Tranquillizers?
heroin?
uppers and downers?
whatever colours your rainbow.

and had your father never heard of a condom?

my cassio.

2006-08-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

Look at yourself. You're a mess. A pure mess. Your shoes are untied, your hair is dirty and uncombed. We cannot go out with you looking like this.
How will the others react when they see how close we've gotten to the edge of reality? To the edge of the truth almost touching the lies with our fingertips.
We almost escaped. It was rough, you know. Difficult to escape from the ones who fed us for so long. they only fed us hate and prejudice, shoving lies down or throat.
It was hardly a satisfying meal.
Merely a request for dreaming, sleeping. We wanted too much and when we asked it was a punishment of darkness. Oh, you were so stupid to ask them when you know all you would recieve is more lies.
False accusation.
You were innocent but blamed.
How could they not see the kindness in your eyes? How could those be the eyes of a murderous, bloodthristy killer? How could they tell you that you did it. You did it.

you only floated along the mountainside, sweeping away my doubts under the carpet.
I trust everything you tell me becasue you are all I know that is real.
So real I can touch it. feel it beneath me. Over me.
Everywhere.

but I could never get close enough to break them.
To pass them. to outrun the crowd.
They were too fast and wouldn't stop to wait.
why should they?

Clapping.
At high school pep rallys.
Who needs it? I'm sick of it.
smile for the camera, it only sees what you hide.
That photo could reveal you so wipe on a fake smile to post in the yearbook.

don't you wish you were good at everything?

california,.

2006-08-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

This is where it all falls apart, onto the ground in a big pile of old bones. We want so badly to stay in the same place but our lives can't help but mold itself into something new, morphing, changing. The seasons change and we think we'll still remain. but we don't. As the leaves fall so does our skin. It doesn't matter who you are, it matters who you were. Who you were when I first laid eyes on you and who you were when you left me.
I'm sure it made you feel better.

Why did I depend on you? To call me, to talk to me, to smile at me in the hall. Did it make me feel like you really cared when I knew you didn't at all. You couldn't care about anything unless it's yourself. You couldn't help yourself. I was just as easy as the next victim, wasn't I? And I was helpless as the last. You just led me like a cow to the slaughter.
I was only going to wilt in the end. Die in the end.
That's what we all do in the end. IT's what we're born to do.
die.

It's too easy to say goodbye.
But you make it so hard
how do you do it? How did you always make me smile on the outside, because you made me cry on the inside. It's like magic I guess. The way I could fake it, and the way you made me believe. How was I so clueless?
But then again, maybe I wasn't. I wanted you so bad I didn't care if there was heartache in the end. But what does it matter now? It's been months. You dragged me on for months. You broke my heart a little more each month. Slowly tearing me to shreds, but still making me think somewhere in my mind that it's okay. That it will last, and eventually come without a price of pain.
It's okay to hurt for him.
No, it isn't okay.
don't let anyone say it is.
the pain didn't matter so long as I could feel the pleasure for a few moments.
Maybe it was for real. We were real.
Maybe we were progressing. Going somwhere.

Or maybe you were just fooling me, and watching me stumble and choke on my words.
Your lips were like a trigger and the words that come pouring out are the bullets that peirced me. Ripped me apart.

Those were some heavy bullets.

Don't say it's over, it's so not over.

2006-08-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

something.
away. flying away.
Sam got her tattoo today. I went with. with her and amanda.
It is really good.
I like it.
Pete did an excellent job.
I want to get mine soon..

combination.
affiliation. Relations within the court.
Police court.
Of Columbia.
California.
Dreaming of red wine in California.
while we inject the night away.

what seems so unreal can only get closer.
You can feel it breathing down your neck.
Goosebumps. Up your spine.
You can feel his eyes burning a hole right through you.
It's beautiful.
Who cares about the pain when it's the last thing on your mind.

Silence is golden.
work isn't.

I have to work today.
I have to work wednesday
thursday
and friday.
This sucks. I don't want to work more.

anyway, my thoughts can't stay in a straight line anymore.
they wander off like a lost child.
somewhere over the rainbow.
Plastic surgery. Suction cups.
Blonde. Fake blonde.
Peroxide. Poison
Plasticine. and plastic bags.
Filled with dirty laundry.
Filled with old laughs.
fake laughs.
and fake love.
give him some fake love.

I'm tired. and my brain can't work anymore.
Stop loading, bye.

This is a 44 calliber love letter straight from my hearrrttttt.

2006-08-05T22:40:00.000-07:00

Do you understand me?
Can you understand me when I'm screaming at you?
Do you get it now?
No you don't get it, you can't get it.

you can't buy it or sell it or wear it.
you can't hear it smell it or touch it.

But you can feel it.
oh, you can feel it.

And then it was over.
Just, done.
and I stared blankly at the screen. you stared blankly at the screen.
opposite ends of the spectrum.
left
right
middle. wings.
37 mm of cold steel in your hands,
but you can't go on.

another day at the office.
another day, another dollar.
seven and a half hours
plus you.

it's not old, it's vintage.
it's not broken, it's worn in.
it's not ugly, it's unique.
unlike every lost soul that wanders this place. it's not what is inside that counts it is what you think that counts, because no one can know what you are thinking so it is all that counts to you. Unless they have special powers to read your mind...but come on, we're not living in a fantasy world. this is real life.
There are boundaries.

But they can be broken.
Would you care to take the first shot?

I'm trapped in this body and can't get oouttttttt

2006-08-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

well hi.
what an eventful Thursday evening.
Big ideas
Big ideas
Cannot be shattered or torn apart.
Like your heart.
Like your smile.
Like your mind.

Would you care to know why I don't care?
No. My non-caring makes you not care.
It's only just, right?
Oh, that's it.
you've taken your toll.
Or reached it.
I've reached the tip.
Like the white on the wave. Flowing over you.
How much colder could it get now?

Green
Orange
purple
yellow
burgandy
brown
aqua
black
turquoise
silver
gold
pink

what does not belong!?
Tell me the answer, for I am bursting at the seams.
come on.come on,come one. come all. ,,
,,
,,,
,,,,
It's the big ideas that feed the economy.
So full. So full.
So be it, Through the clouds, the clots of cotton.
I think we're finally alone.

Until they surprise us. A surprise attack, oh how sneaky.
Teddy bears.
Stuffed Animals.
Elvis Prestley.
Michael Jackson.

You are the Queen of my heart. Wait scratch that, KING.

What do you think you are going to do when you grow up?
Are you goin to make millions? To share? To withhold?
To save for someone else. Worth much more than anyone could imagine.
Thumb tacks.
Buy lots of thumb tacks. and scissors.And needles. To peirce the..ground.
Attention deficite.
Spontaneous human combustion.
Alright, alright, you don't have to be alone.
We have lots of children.
We have the chance to be reborn.

we can make up for lost time.

In resistance to my sidewalk painting.

2006-07-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well.
Let me tell you...
I just worked eight hours with a 10 minute break.
CHILD LABOUR!!!
Ugh, my job Blows with a capital B

So, we had a wedding party full of hicks in cowboy boots and cowboy hats, drinking like the "partay" animals they are..and then what?
what's that you say?
they brought A CLOWN to do some balloon tricks and to sing?!
Is this a fourth grade birthday party?
No my dear, it's a wedding party.
Who brought the crack?

The other "funny" thing is that me and one of the cooks are scared of clowns.
So when it came time for me to go put some glasses in the bar, ohh who popped up?
That damn clown. Being too happy.
And all that makeup..what was that thing hiding?
A murderous plot to kill us all?
That's it, isn't it?

so anyway. I'm mad. And want to quit my job.
working 4-12 doesn't work with me.
Being in a hot kitchen for 8 hours, also does not work with me.
and having only a 10 minute break?
Well that just doesn't work with the law.

urg, I guess I can suck it up for another couple months.
Then, I'm outta there.
To seize new opportunities.
Like, making coffee, or stocking shelves.
Sounds fulfilling doesn't it?
Oh who am I kidding?

Mell>>>OUT!

Out here in nothing engulfed by the seeaa

2006-07-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's been so long.Maybe too long.
No one reads these things anymore so I'm speaking to air in a way. You could say.
I guess.
am I crazy?

Well not really. I'm speaking to internet waves of some sort.
Who pays attention to these anyway?
who pays attention to anything anymore?
and if you want attention you are an emo kid who cares of nothing but yourself.
But come on
We're teenagers
We're selfish, and I'm told this almost every day. I am selfish
you are selfish
Isn't that human nature?
I know I try but since summer has taken over our minds and life we just frollick into the blue waters at the lake, not caring about our minds being damaged by things we were told not to do.
There is no schoool
so we care of nothing

Did I mention I got a job?
Yes, I did.
It sucks. I would never want to do this forever.
Dishwashing, peeling vegetables, weighing out spaghetti and mashed potatoes into correctly sized portions.
Take me away from the restaurant business now.
I know I'll quit soon and go get another job and hate it just as much.
wonderful, no?

Working sucks anyway.
Mooch off your parents for as long as you can.
Well, maybe not.
I don't want to. My parents are weird.
2 more years!!!
you know that means I'll be gone.
And they'll be glad.

Have you noticed how things get tons more complicated once you hit 16?
It does. I have discussed this with my friends.
And it's true.
Things can be so good and then just screw you over the next day.
Why does this happen? It's stupid.
How immature can boys my age, and even older, be?
A lot of my friends have even given up on guys altogether.
Not to say they are a lesbian now..they just don't want anything.
any sort of love but friendship.

I would like love. that would be pretty cool someday.
but now?
Well first off, the boys here couldn't be anymore stupid about everything.
They want you for tonight and your best friend the next night.
Because they are pricks.
and the ones that will treat you like gold.
Well you won't even consider them.
you know why. your image cannot be ruined.
you're selfish. you don't want him. He's a nerd and you're too cool.
Even though he would treat you so well.

We love guys that are assholes.We just can't get enough, can we?
Because CEARLY, we also love getting screwed over by a prick who cares of nothing but the moment when he finally nails you.

Well that was nice.
Enjoy my internet waves you primitive screwheads.